Halloween is, by far, my favorite holiday. There is something about dressing up as something or someone different that feels fun. It captures everything good about childhood imagination and makes it socially acceptable for adults to participate. Yes please.

Last year we went as My Little Ponies and it was lots of fun. Mostly for the wayward looks from other adults when a Rainbow Dash with five-oclock-shadow came lumbering up to the front door and said, “trick or treat”. A man at one of the houses stared at me all wide-eyed and asked, “You have four little girls?” To which I said, “Yes.” Then he asked if they made me dress as a pony which I again replied affirmatively. He shook his head side to side and said, “That’s the scariest shit I’ve seen all day.”

This year wasn’t quite as scary. In fact, I got to go as my alter-ego – Underdaddy. Which I guess is the main ego if you are reading this on the Underdaddy website but anyway. My youngest sister got me an official uniform for Christmas last year and it fit with our Halloween theme of superheroes.

We asked each of the girls what they wanted to be if they could choose their own superpower. Jane said she wanted the power to talk with animals. She got the costume of “Animal Girl”. Prima wanted to be super-fast so she got to be “Lightning Girl”. Don Threeto wanted the power to change into different animals, I assume this would assist in the commission of a crime or maybe it is just generally awesome. She became “Beast Girl”. Lady Bug said something completely unintelligible. It was somewhere between a grunt and a scream so we made her “Question Mark Girl”. Supermom and Underdaddy were kind of set in stone.

I thought it was really cool that they each chose those superpowers because if you ask me, they already possess the skills they most admire. Jane is immersed in animals and is very good with them already. Prima is very quick witted and a fast learner. Threeto has the smooth acting skill of a Dustin Hoffman or a Johnny Depp – when she tells a lie she is committed to the part. Lady Bug is our little unknown, she keeps us guessing.

We decided to streamline the costumes a little for economy because we are poor people and Halloween is about candy and fun not Hollywood level special effects. Everyone would have the same basic costume; all black sweats and socks. Then the capes and masks would be different colors and have our own symbols. Like the ninja turtles but instead of being mutant turtles underneath the masks we would be cat burglars. I stopped at a gas station with only my sweats and the attendant was a little nervous that I was dressed in all black. I don’t know if the cape would have helped or not.

Trick or treating went well. I mean it was raining and we went to a neighborhood where the Home Owners Association requires six thousand steps as an approach to the front porch but all-in-all it was a fun time. We teamed up with some cousins that we don’t see very often and made some memories in the rain.

I didn’t do a great job educating the girls on Trick-or-Treat etiquette. We went to one house with decorations but no one was home. They knocked politely but after about ten seconds of no one coming to the door they had a frenzied moment of attempted breaking and entering. They were convinced that there was candy just beyond the door and we had been to three houses with no one home. This one had decorations dammit! There has to be candy! One started working the door handle back and forth while another rang the doorbell like an air raid siren. The third one was looking through the windows from the bushes and I think my forth child was trying to break into the soffit vent. I rushed to the front door while expecting to hear glass breaking at any second. “Guys, guys… We arent rescuing candy that has been kidnapped. This is just an empty house. There is more candy.” Luckily the next few houses were occupied and fully staffed for Halloween activities.

As far as the candy production, we were in the right spot. This neighborhood was definitely a place of first world problems because I have never seen so many full sized candy bars given out in my life. One house had a wicker basket with assorted Hershey, Reese’s cups, Snickers, or Payday’s in neat little rows like an upper middle class vending machine. I remember sorting through Smartees and Milk Duds and being left with this Halloween mulch of inedible candies. Not this time. Each bucket is full of awesome candy, When Jesus returns, he might decide to stick around and raise a family just to go trick or treating at this place. In fact, three of the houses were already decorated for Christmas with fully lit trees and wreaths on the door. Maybe the neighborhood is campaigning for that scenario.

We finished up the night by letting the girls eat too much of their candy and allowing them to spin in screaming circles for about three hours. Then we drove home and got in about mid-night. This morning I was reminded of my place in the sub-urban food chain by my “decorations” on the front sidewalk. They are the scariest pumpkins ever. They exude death, decay, and neglect. They scream out “Beware to all who enter. This is where things go to die.”

Maybe I will scrape them off in time for Thanksgiving. Maybe.

If you love the holiday but lack the effort that is required to be awesome, this post is for you. You’re welcome. We all know it is about the candy anyway.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.