Month: March 2016


Before we get started I would like to make an announcement. The farm structure that housed pigs in the 1850’s was known as a Piggery. Henceforth, piggery is my favorite word.


Can’t wait to tell my children that their room is a piggery. 

Back to our regularly scheduled programming. So we dressed up and did the Easter thing. Easter in the south is probably a little different than the rest of the world. It is still about finding eggs and magic philanthropic rabbits but you can’t leave out the tractors. And the random boat and trailer.


Haven’t found an egg yet but she planted ten acres by lunchtime. 

We enjoyed a visit from Great Mother who is basically the Godfather figure on my dad’s side of the family. She is a little more laid back these days so maybe Michael Corleone from GF III instead of Michael Corleone from the first movie but dont let the gray hair fool you, she is a tooth chipper.


Love you Grandma.

It was a day for beautiful people to have their picture made. I make it a habit to post embarrassing or funny pictures of Supermom because I love teasing her. I realize that I should probably put up a few pictures that show what a stone-cold fox she is too.


My Easter princess. 

Changing subjects. Sort of. There is this Facebook page called the Kitsch Bitsch and there are a slew of creepy Easter Bunny pictures. I have included a few examples below.


Word’s largest WTF?

But wait…


Smile for the milk carton!

I love those pictures way more than I should. Good stuff.

If you survived Easter 2016, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

If I Could Say One Thing

In the blockbuster movie “Men In Black” featuring world renown actor and ear model Will Smith, there exists a tiny device called the neuralizer. This magic crossbreed between a wand and a flashlight has the power to erase the memory of any subject leaving a blank slate for the next few seconds allowing the interviewer to insert new happy memories. What a magical tool.

Sometimes I daydream about owning a neuralizer and using it immediately after speaking a string of harsh truths. There are so many things that I want to say just as a relief. I don’t want to say it to them as much as at them.

I have asked several people this question and the answer is usually word-for-word identical. Multiple view points, cultural backgrounds, and stages of life but still the general emotion seems to be the same.

Question: What is the one mean thing that you wish you could say, at least once, just to get it out?

Answer: Shut the fuck up.

Every. Time. I have to admit my inner voice has thought this more than once.

-When they are supposed to be going to bed but are talking.

-When they keep asking the same questions on a road trip.

-When they are gushing embarrassing details to complete strangers.

-When they are asking their mother for a refill of juice while she holds a dead animal and sobs. (Who hasn’t been there? Am I right?)

Just once to be able to lovingly embrace them and whisper, “Shut the f*$% up.” Followed immediately by a bright flash and then I say, “I love you sweet child. Sleep soundly tonight.” We both would smile and all would be right with the world.

Other times in life I think I would use the device on myself. For example…

Poo Hands

Not chocolate. Totally got you. 

I know Supermom would go for a memory erase right about here…

Poop Clean.JPG

I’m not sure that bleach works on grout? It just seems like there would be gaps for poop particles.

If you ever needed a neuralizer, this post is for you. Sleep deprivation seems to do a good job of erasing most things but it takes time. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Highway to Heaven

People never cease to amaze me. Day after day I see interesting things in the news. Stories about people clinging to various beliefs or viewpoints and taking their reasoning to the extreme. Maybe we are built towards being advocates for ideas. Perhaps there is a biological link in our brains that demands us to choose a side and stick with it through thick and thin. To make up our mind and put down the stress of thinking through different ideas and scenarios. It can be exhausting to consider multiple sides of social issues and form opinions on a case by case basis. It is much easier to find something that rings true and sell-out in favor of an idea.

Welfare = lazy (Many good people need help but many people abuse the system)

Guns = Make things safer/ more dangerous. (Toddlers with handguns have killed more Americans than terrorists over the past year. There are several reported incidents of home invasion thwarted by self-defense.)

Married but Sad > Divorced but Happy (I have some awesome parents and step-parents. Divorce is hard on kids and leaves lasting effects.)

Boobs = Good (Pretty sure this one is 100% true all the time)

We develop rules of thumb(s) so we don’t have to think about things. This is the reason that stereotypes are so popular, people feel like they save time. Next thing you know people are looking for evidence to support a bias. I think about a verse in the bible in the book of Matthew, “seek, and ye shall find”.

Such a true statement but in a different way to me than the original intent. I think if you look somewhere hard enough you can justify just about anything. Sometimes the easiest person to lie to is yourself.

I try to keep an open mind and think through issues but sometimes people make such bizarre decisions that I have trouble figuring out their logic. About a month ago we were travelling down the interstate and I could see something dancing in the distance. There was something hovering above the cars and dancing through traffic. A white rabbit teasing me from afar. I pressed the gas and at around eighty five miles per hour I started to gain on it. The curves and the eighteen wheelers obscured my line of sight and for a moment I thought I lost my UFO (unidentified floating object). Then I saw it.

Rollin 2

Gospel on the go. 

I was impressed. Here was a man at war for his beliefs. To the untrained eye this man is a passionate believer with external enthusiasm. I see total commitment. As I passed him on the highway I noticed that he was fully dressing in a jacket and tie, his Sunday best on a Friday. The dent in the hatchback door tells me that this is a man looking forward. A man who is completely unconcerned with the things that are behind him. His decal says, “Jesus is my co-pilot” and a can of shoe polish makes sure that no potential space for foreboding messages goes unused. I imagine he stood back from his rolling biblical billboard and thought, “Nice… but there is still something missing. I need something that pops.” That’s when divine inspiration struck him. Nothing draws attention to a vinyl cross decal like a life-sized 3-D cross mounted on the roof of a vehicle.


I also use my criminal minds skills to see that he might haul small vehicles or bodies of the unrepentant heathen. 

This is where my appreciation truly began. As an engineer I was drawn to his consideration for anchoring the cross. He used cables with clamps and bolted them directly to his roof in four locations. His design could clearly withstand winds in excess of eighty miles per hour, probably gusts up to one hundred and ten miles per hour. But what really convinced me that this man had an unwavering confidence in his salvation was his tires. They were truly a bold, yet bald, testament to this man’s priorities.

If you have passion that grabs you in the middle of the night and says, “Arise, adorn your Jeep Grand Cherokee and go forth…” this post is for you. You’re welcome. If you are the owner of this Jeep Grand Cherokee, high five! I enjoyed the break from the monotony of a cross-state trip. Ps- Change those tires. Everyone is appointed a time to die but I believe we should try and limit the options.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Spring Break Kickoff

Yay! Time for spring break. A week with all the kids at home is bound to be delightful. I know how well they behave when half of them go to school.


Passive medical chair. Sit and enjoy a fully moisturized rear. 

At least they will have something to do. Supermom has enjoyed Kolaso so much…


Watching him eat my jeans.

that she has added three adorable lion-faced bunnies. We are only keeping one but the selection process is taking longer than I feel it should. If only they weren’t so cute.


Cute little turd factories. 

Rabbits are second only to chickens when it comes to poop generation. When it comes to urine the win has to go to…


Diaper dog. She is blowing out size 6 pull-ups. 

I think we need to upgrade her to Depends. This is one of those situations where I see her sleeping quietly and I wonder if she is actually dead. I feel a flood of guilt for the wave of relief that builds up in my chest then she snores like a band-saw and I am right back to pondering euthanasia. I love her but sweet baby Jesus, she is cashing in her chips one soaked pile of laundry at a time. She works in tandem with the youngest child. Lady Bug shoves all the clean clothes off the couch and within two minutes Sprinkles the Wonder Dog wanders aimlessly across them while her drippy dog twat pours like a busted water main. She is a maple syrup smelling pile of sadness and I can’r bring myself to end her because she is still happy to see me. Dammit.


Speaking of death and decay. The pumpkins are still there. A few of you thought I was kidding about leaving the jack-o-lanterns to wither and die but I wasn’t.


Frankly, I’m amazed. 

There is some real science going on here. The three on the left were carved so they began decay before winter really set in. The one on the right was only drawn on with a sharpie and didn’t have the protective outer skin broken until we had a hard freeze. The tissues basically became freezer burned and all the moisture leaked out but it hasn’t decayed like the others. If you notice the lighter areas of concrete, this is where the juices seeped out during freeze-thaw cycles. What can I say… Science is messy.


You can still see the face. I wonder if the seeds will sprout and grow into the sidewalk?

We attempted having a movie night tonight to kick things off. Alvin and the Road Chip. Cheesy but funny. Everything is funnier with high pitched voices. Like all good family activities, the family movie idea far exceeded the reality. I did manage to get grounded because I “pants-ed” Supermom and she didn’t find it nearly as funny as the rest of us.

Ah memories.

If you survived another week, this post is for you. You’re welcome. As I listen to the hour long sob session of my oldest child, who is beyond tired and crying because she has the wrong blanket and her sister who finally fell asleep has the one she wants, I take solace in watching relate-able episodes of The Middle, On-Demand through my cable box.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.


Five Textures

Everyone seemed to enjoy the candid conversations via technology that I enjoy on a daily basis. The cool thing about texts is that they get put in a string of conversation but they aren’t necessarily related. Here are five of my most recent favorites.


One morning we were late leaving the house in a mad rush and Supermom decided to drive the kids to school while wearing her PJ’s. She got about a mile down the road and saw that she needed fuel, asap. She called me and asked me to stop at the gas station and pump her gas which I did gladly. We were both late so when I finished I walked to her open window and gave her a quick kiss and left Don Threeto had a cute explanation of why we stopped at the gas station together.


Dirk the 4th Chipmunk is a Kids Place Live satellite radio character. So that would be interesting. 

The next few texts show a decline of sanity and peacefulness in the household from morning to the afternoon. Don Threeto was the main culprit who masterminded the downward spiral.



Apparently the kids decided to have some fun that was safer but messier. Supermom was not amused.



Things continued in the downward spiral and ended with me needing to fix the cord on our new vacuum.


K is Kolaso, our bunny rabbit. Now I feel like working late. 

If you hang out with kids long enough then you start to consider things like never having another one. The drama culminated with a universal appreciation for birth control.


Strangely she didn’t reply. I thought it was funny. 

If you missed round one of my favorite texts then you can find more here.

If you are curious about what snip snip is referring to, click here. Surely you know but if you ever wondered what actually happens then give it a read.

If you enjoy a marriage with a sense of humor, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.