Month: September 2015

Gotcha Sucker!

Her strategic thinking always amazes me. Don Threeto, my resident gangster and third youngest girl, has shown me that she has the long term planning skills necessary to be truly diabolical. She recently put in place a plan that took months to fully develop. Sitting here this morning I realized that a string of seemingly unrelated events were, in fact, related and very purposeful.

If you read any of my stories with “Threeto” in the title you can see how she sets the bar for military level strategy. Let’s take a stroll through the ‘unrelated events’ and reveal the truth.

She has convinced me she enjoys physical violence. She likes games like Face-Punch and How-Hard-Can-You-Punch-Me. I find her with a red eye or a bloody nose and when the other three would be squealing like baby piglets, Threeto insists that her injuries are normal and nothing happened. She has looked me dead in the eye with one eye swollen shut and said, “I feel fine. I don’t know what you are talking about.” What I learned -> She is tough.
This child licks every surface that she can get her face near. She chews on her toys. She insists on stealing her younger sister’s pacifier. Why would someone have such a disregard for germs? I mean, I have literally blocked her face from licking a toilet seat at the last second. I thought it was just habitual because she acts like a puppy a lot of the time and holds her “paws” up to her chest and licks things. This behavior is a ruse. What I learned -> She wants to be sick.
At the same time, she is attempting to keep illness from her sisters. She insists on being first to open the door, she tries to hoard all the toys (after licking them), and she steals all the pacifiers. I thought she was being very selfish but my new theory is that -> She doesn’t want her sisters to get sick.

So why would these discoveries be important?

Well, two nights ago The Don is obviously not feeling well. She isn’t running in circles in the living room or sitting up on the couch. Usually, she is standing on the back of the couch so laying on it was strange. She had a small fever and complained of a sore throat. Everyone has had trouble with fall allergies so I thought that was all she had going on. I gave her a little Mortin to help with the sore throat and as soon as her throat felt better she hit the roof and was back to her old self. I thought in the back of my mind that it might be Strep so I asked her if she though she should go to the doctor. I expected a “no” because what child wants to go to the doctor’s office? She said, “Yeah probably”. Hmmm.

We also needed some things from the store. (I go to Wal-Mart 6 out of 7 days in a week) I decided she could ride to the store with me and I could decide on the way which direction we should go. We talked about it for a minute.

“So you want to go to the doctor?”

“Yeah.”

“Why? Do you want a shot?”

“Yeah.”

“You understand what I mean right?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to go to Walmart?”

“Yeah but after the doctor.”

I wasn’t convinced. There was an unnatural desire for medical intervention and I didn’t believe her. We went to Walmart.

The next day she continued to lay around and feel less than awesome. I loaded her up and we went to the walk-in clinic. She was a chatterbox at check-in.

Great. Wasting a co-pay here. The nurse checked her temperature.

98.1. Awesome. I have been duped again.

The doctor came in and seemed to have her doubts but we did a throat swab. Threeto hates feeling out of control or overpowered, which makes total sense for an alpha criminal mastermind. She let me hold her arms while the nurse swabbed her throat and tears ran down her face but she never fought it once. I was impressed. Speechless. The test came back positive for Strep and we got a prescription for antibiotics. Then the truth was set free.

The compassionate nurse was so impressed with Threeto’s strength and resolve that she wanted to reward her. “Would you like a sucker for being so good?”

The heavens opened and a smile spread across her face. A diabolical smile that said, “My plan has succeeded! Hahahahaha!” Although, being an expert in deception, she merely smiled and said, “Yes please.” She held the sucker like an Olympic Gold Medal. She marveled in the reward of all her hard work.

Threeto is a force to be reckoned with. She knew that in a household of crying and estrogen fueled complaining, she would need to stand out as tough so when she was sick we would notice. Then she knew she had to get sick if she had any hope of reaching her sucker and sticker utopia. We are forever telling the kids not to lick things because of germs so she deduced that getting sick required licking. Then she ensured her victory by keeping the illness from the other sisters. If one of them went to the doctor first then she may not get rewarded for her hard work.

I think we may negotiate a deal on suckers and stickers. Regular payments for protecting herself from sickness. The Godfather made his start providing protection to people in exchange for payments. She has taken it to the extreme by blackmailing me using her own health. She may be the most powerful leader in history.

The Gandhi of gangster.

If you are outsmarted, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Sweet Jacket Dude

My latest contribution to Conceited Crusade. The prompt this week is “raw” and I didn’t even have to create fiction. Just copy and paste my life. Lolwnoalcam (Laughing out loud with no one around like a crazy man)

Conceited Crusade

This is why we can’t have nice things. I feel like I am a refugee in my own home. I forget which rooms have carpet sometimes. This is the real. This is raw.

To any outsider looking in, there seem to be only a few basic needs. Parents should have to worry about food, shelter, and no running with scissors right?

What could possibly be the source of stress that makes so many sane adults lose their fucking minds?

What is so different?

I slept very little in college.

I drank way more beer.

I had a lifestyle that would kill me inside of a week these days but somehow it wasn’t quite this bad. I need a therapy flow chart or something. Like most problems, writing helps ferret out the true story. The raw emotion.

Let’s recount some highlights shall we?

A Facebook post on Sunday sets the tone: “I…

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Magic on Wheels

I enjoyed some nostalgia today when we went to the same skating rink where I spent a large part of my middle school social life. I actually had some birthday party action there myself as a youngster. I enjoy going back to the things that never change just to feel like there is still Earth under my feet.

As we go through life and stop every few years to take note, we look up one day and life feels really lonely. I remember the feeling of moving home after college and the town that I left didn’t exist when I came back. My friends didn’t work at the minor league baseball stadium or the mall. I didn’t know the people in the bars or the high school kids driving cars around and hanging in parking lots. Everything seemed different.

The skating rink is the same. They changed the arcade from one side of the room to the other but otherwise it is the same. If only I were the same too. One memory that I really enjoy is a girl skating up to tell me, “You think you’re hot snot but you’re really cold boogers.” That didn’t happen today but I wouldn’t have been surprised. I was a former star returning to his domain and I couldn’t have looked more out of place.

I strapped on some rental skates and tested my skills. It reminded me of the Toby Keith song when he says, “I’m not as good as I once was but I’m as good once as I ever was.” I have three blisters, sore muscles, and I might have pulled a neck muscle during the limbo contest. I didn’t even make it one round and I blame the fat on the base of my neck for sticking up just enough to knock off the pole. Maybe it was the fat around my waist but either way the culprit is the same. I watched a Family Guy episode one time where Peter and his friends went skating; I imagine that is what I looked like.

One thing was different about the skating rink and it concerns me. Someone has devised a skating assistance device made of PVC pipe and wheels. Imagine the old-people walkers but small enough for a toddler.

What the hell are these things. What happened to busting your ass like a normal kid?

The problem with these devices is that it prevents kids from learning balance. They can build NASCAR level speeds with the balance of a new-born giraffe. I looked up at one point and there was a three child pile-up and on-coming kids had to watch in horror as they crashed into the pile because they hadn’t learned how to stop or turn. One little girl started to fall backwards and picked up the walker, as she gained balance the walker weight pulled her forward and she flipped over the front in an impressive single vehicle accident. On the bright side, I think there is a place for these PVC contraptions in a roller derby chariot race. One hard headed boy grabbed the walker, put his head down, and took off as fast as he could go in any direction until he crashed into something. It was awesome just to watch his worried mother chase him from crash to crash, apologizing to his victims while he sped off towards another collision.

If you have fond memories of skating or just enjoy watching kids flail around like drunken deer, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Ten Miracle Products Parents Will Love

Parenting is a lot like third world prison. It changes a man. I used to stand in awe of “New and Improved” products. Now I wonder if some improvements are actually necessary.

Take the example of high strength or super performance products. Someone may wonder things like, “If streak-free Windex is available why would people even bother with a lesser product?” The parent will know that children run headlong into sliding glass doors and plate glass windows. They actually benefit from visible streaks. Birds aren’t the only clean glass victims.

This bird was really moving.

Can I please have something that sanitizes but smears in a light haze?

Are we shielding our children too much?

An evolutionary purist may point to “natural selection” and a “learning process”. To those people, I present my next example of unnecessary excellence – Instant Bond Super Glue. Basically, a chemical mixture that sets in a flash when exposed to moisture. I can see where this could go wrong with a child. Can you? Ever had a cat’s ass glued shut? Elmer’s glue is sounding pretty superior now huh?

The more I look, the more I notice. Charmin seems to advertise new toilet paper rolls each week that are twice as long and twice as thick.

Mega Rolls?

How is this a good thing? I think my children have a ritual of jamming a new roll of TP in the toilet after each pee while totally avoiding using a single square properly. I wonder to myself if Cavemen dads fussed about how many leaves the Cave-children wasted? I think a fake rubber roll of TP that can be rinsed and placed back on the edge of the tub would be awesome. Real parents know why I said “edge of the tub” and that is because there is a 90% chance that the kids have broken the toilet paper holder.

Guess what wonder product I saw advertised today? Extra strength Sharpies.

*raises hand*

Question: Sharpies are also known as permanent markers, right? This tells me that they are effective as-is. Who was slipping comments in the box that said things like;

“Permanent goes by so fast. Can you make some Forever markers?

Yours truly,
Some Asshole”

My fourth child paints her entire body with chalk, markers, and ink pens whenever she gets the opportunity. Thank you Sharpie, for removing my fear of her suffering pain from a tattoo. Now she can just color herself with a misplaced super-marker and live the rest of her life like a Monarch butterfly hybrid. I feel like I am watching someone drowning when she takes a bath, like the victim is just out of reach and I am screaming unhelpful suggestions; “Keep your head up. Stop drinking the water – it is dirty. You can’t breathe if you are underwater.”

I put my thinking cap on and came up with some miracle products of my own. I know parents everywhere will thank me.

TEN MIRACLE PRODUCTS PARENTS WILL LOVE

1. Stair-a-chute: Instantly deployable parachute for children who fall off of stairs, chairs, and level ground.
2. Solar powered Toys: Those noise making toys can now push you to the edge of sanity and into a plastic smashing frenzy. No longer can you hide things in the garage until the battery dies.
3. Ultra-bright Kool-Aid: Unimaginably bright colors that also add a little bit of alkalinity to the juice so the cup is extra slippery.
4. Super-tall Three-legged Bar Stools: They look really challenging to climb. They are.
5. Frictionless Pledge Hardwood Floor Polish: Somewhere between magnetic levitation and a greasy cookie sheet, this product defies physics by launching children into the ground faster than gravity can actually accelerate them.
6. Super-lather Body Soap with Convenient Flip Top: Because if a child is going to coat their entire body with soap for fun, they might as well be the cleanest thing on the planet when it is all said and done.
7. Extra-Long Shoe Laces – Children can display their rugged individuality by dragging multi-colored trip wires of death behind them.
8. Mechanical Advantage Scissors – New compound fulcrum, razor sharp edges, and increased pointiness to make sure anything in its path is instantly severed with a minimum of effort or warning.
9. Pin-Free Hand Grenades – For those self-defense moments that call for shrapnel but you don’t have time to fritter away pulling a pin. Just touch and go.
10. Instant Touch-powered Disposable Lighters – The warmth of a finger should be all that is necessary to summon a flame. Now you don’t have to waste all that energy spinning a steel wheel against a flint.

If you work yourself into a frenzy over child safety around common everyday products, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

Feel free to add your own super-products to the list.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Rabbit Habit

I got an interesting phone call.

“Hey, where are you guys?” Mamaw politely asks.

“We are driving into town to pick something up.”

“Are you going to be back this way soon?” she inquires. “The store closes at 4:00 and we need some rabbit food.”

“Maybe. I will let you know when we are leaving.” I did the calculations of travel distance and time of day. It would be around 3:45 before we could make it to the store and that was cutting it close. Maybe was the best I could do.

“Okay.” She answered.

“Okay.” And I hung up the phone.

Then I realized the true problem. My mother doesn’t own a rabbit. Why would they need rabbit food? Has she forgotten the trauma that rabbit ownership can cause? I quickly sent a follow-up text message.

I couldn’t wait for a reply and so Facebook came to the rescue.

Look what we got!

Sure enough, good old Grandpa caved-in, like a cheap shed in a snowstorm. In fact, he was so completely soft that he imagined the temporary distress that merely asking for a rabbit might cause and that was too much for him to bear. He made a preemptive strike and told Prima to decide if she wanted a rabbit and pick one out. She selected a red eyed albino.

I introduce you to Bun-Bun.

Bun-Bun is the lump under the sheep.

You might notice a white animal on the couch that I haven’t mentioned before, that is a lamb. Jane accompanied Grandpa to the goat sale about a week ago and I got a similar Facebook notification that a purchase of a baby sheep had been made. This was a pity purchase as well because one of the pet goats died the week before.

Buddy was a good goat. Lets take a moment of silence to remember our fallen four legged brothers. At least boobfreckles is still alive. And Toby. He is doing good too.

That’s my boy! Getting big.

Although, once he gains another half pound or so, he will be losing his manhood. I caught him humping a stuffed yellow dog but I didn’t intervene. Enjoy it while you can little buddy. No judging.

If you have a life that always has room for one more kid, or animal, or whatever, this post is for you. You’re welcome. We should probably be doing something more productive with our time and resources but really I can’t imagine what that might be. Because if you can watch people open mystery packs of My Little Pony on YouTube without a lamb to share it with, is life worth living?

You notice the torture and pain that my girls put these poor animals through.

Kids get more life lessons out of social interactions and baby farm animals are a good analog for some of the bright minds they will come across in society. I’ve met a few sheep and goats along the way.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.