The other day I got an interesting text from Supermom.
[C/D’s bedroom light just came on by itself. (Concerned emoji) I’m kinda freaking out.]
She was sitting on our bed and in the room across the hall the light just came on. No one in the room. Kids were at school. Lady Bug was napping next to Supermom. Creepy.
Later that day I called to let her know that I was on my way home. We were talking about dinner options and I hear the two oldest children run into the room, “MOM, MOM, Our light just turned on by itself!”
“Did you hear that?”
“Yes. Did you tell any of them about it happening earlier?”
“No. Only you.”
I’m disappointed that we have a ghost because I am afraid it will affect resale value. I didn’t tell her about the night I heard a bump in the girl’s room and ignored it until the next morning only to find a picture had fallen off the wall. A picture in a closed room on a night when the kids stayed at my mother’s house.
We had been watching “The Conjuring 2”. That movie is some kinda creepy shit. The Marilyn-Manson-looking demon nun with yellow teeth really brings it home. Don’t watch the movie. You will spend the rest of the night burning sage and watching your cat to see if they are picking up any spirit world vibes.
I don’t personally believe in ghosts but that doesn’t mean that I am taking the garbage out at midnight or looking for random junk in the creepy attic. That nonsense can wait until sunlight is part of the equation.
A second scary trend has been starting. One of our children has taken an interest in scratching her butt. When I say “butt” I mean “butthole”. Aggressive and constant scratching. We tried diaper cream and some sort of drying powder. No help. We then took it upon ourselves to Google the problem and came upon the common condition of pin worms. Pin worms are disturbing so you can skip these last two paragraphs if you are squeamish.
These worms live in the rectum and crawl out at night and lay eggs around the anus. They cause itching and irritation but are physically harmless. Psychological damage is another story. The internet insisted that the only test for an infestation is to wait for your child to be asleep and carry a flashlight into their room to try and sneak a peek at their worm portal. You could also put a piece of packing tape in the butt-crack and check it in the morning for freshly laid eggs. Omg. Wtf. No thank you.
One day in therapy, under intensive hypnosis, our child will bring up a repressed memory of being awakened from sleep with two parents shining a flashlight up her butt. Her sister will have a fuzzy memory of rolling over and asking with quizzical eyebrows, “What are you doing?” To which I answered gracefully, “Checking your sister for butt worms. Go back to sleep.” The answer was acceptable because she went back to sleep.
It is a wonder that we aren’t all damaged goods. Maybe this is how people get the idea that they were abducted by aliens and experienced probing. Like most horrible parenting requirements, this scarred me every bit as much as it could possibly have scarred her. Also, I learned that there is an Over-The-Counter remedy for pin worms and instead of midnight flash-lighting you can just treat for the worms and move on with your life.
After the worm-check incident I had a thought. Maybe our ghost is not being scary but instead is actually scared of the dark. He might be worried that we will sneak in an check him for ghost butt worms.
If your family is weird enough to scare ghosts, this post is for you. You’re welcome.
-Underdaddy to the rescue.