Month: January 2016

On Second Thought

“Many a true word is spoken in jest.” – Chaucer


Jane: If I find a dragon with wings and that breathes fire, will you buy it for me?

UD: I sure will.

Jane: Do you think I’ll find one?

UD: I hope so but I’ve never seen one.

Jane: I am going to keep trying and I wont give up until I’m 29 years old.

UD: Sounds reasonable, that’s about when I gave up.

Jane: What did you give up?

UD: Just my hopes and dreams.

Jane: Why?

UD: Because I want you to have them instead.


This started as a back and forth banter with thick sarcasm but the conversation got deeper the more I thought about it. Family is not about giving up your goals as much as it is about redefining them. My hopes are met when my children think their dreams are reachable. I remember when I thought dragons might be real.

My hopes are also met when they let me sleep in on Saturdays = small goals.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

ps. The rabbit picture was just a funny cover photo. No rabbits were harmed. Concerned maybe but not harmed. 

Text Me Up

Part of the excitement of being married to a stay-at-home-mom is the daily randomness that I get to experience. It follows a semi-predictable pattern; everything is good until the older two come home from school then all bets are off. Actually, all bets are on and my money is on the shit hitting the fan. However, nothing is written in stone and no one can predict exactly where a day will get strange.

Here are some fun texts I have gotten.

Text Moments 1

These are fairly typical. Someone pooped/spilled/peed.

Animals kick it up a notch. We remember Toby fondly but he had some difficult moments.


It was kind of true. He was being a jerk that day. 

Other animal moments involving the incontinent dog are fun. In the picture below there is a typo, the “bug” man not the big man. She is not biased against fat people, just unnerved by the exterminator.


The dog is like a goofy blind special needs pet that is too cute to put down except she isn’t cute anymore really. 

Some texts are out of left field and prove I married the right woman because of her sense of humor. Maybe Ramona will be just as accepting…


Ramona’s alias is Current Resident, I bet she is in med-school. We could use that kind of financial help. 

The next one I have to put a disclaimer because she reads all these. It is an exaggeration and I have never noticed any maintenance issues.


I like a lady who can keep me warm at night. 

And for the final reason that I love the texts from home. I know that she is using her time at home to develop important life skills.


Who doesn’t want to be married to a ninja! She has mad food-sneaking skills. 

So if you get awesome and random correspondence from the home front, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.




After Midnight

My post on Conceited Crusade for the week was personal. I promise to get back to light-hearted humor but this has been on my mind.

Conceited Crusade

I try to see into the woods beyond my LED headlamp but the air has gotten cold and my breath creates an endless fog. Ice crystals dance on the leaves and ground, forming frost. Each time my cloud floats away it is time to breathe again. The moon is full and the helicopters have taken a break. My search group splintered into the wind and my wife and I are alone. I reach up and turn off my light then wait for my eyes to adjust to the forest. She does too. My other senses spring to life; smell of the pine, feel of the slow air held close to the ground by the pine thicket, sounds muffled by the dense bed of pine needles and brush; taste of the forest at night.

I sit on the ground, basking in the silence. My wife sits by me. We are helpless…

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Truth Vomit

The past weekend has been an overwhelming sadness because of a missing toddler. We have contributed to the search efforts and checked Facebook every fifteen minutes for hope of some sliver of good news. None yet, but more on that in another post. This story is about a birthday party I took Prima to on Sunday.

It was a holiday weekend so the kids were scattered at different Grandparent’s houses while they enjoyed being anywhere but at home. Sometimes I think they would rather live in the mailbox out front than in their own bedroom. Anyway, about Sunday morning we pulled the awesome parent move #352: Realizing that you have a birthday party to attend later that same day. Prima was at Mamaw’s and reminded her of the party about the same time that Supermom and I found the invitation. Nevermind the fact that Prima had never mentioned her before, she was determined to go to this party. With all the lingering sadness we decided a break would be good. Mamaw came through with a present which made the decision even easier. The present was a gift that was never given to anyone but it was a cool gift so she let us use it for the party. Awesome!

A little side note about Prima; She is a hugger and doesn’t understand strangers or personal space. We get to the party at the Pizza Buffet establishment and they are still decorating the room. The invitations said 3-6 so I knew there would be some serious festivities to get six year old girls through three hours of party. I overheard someone mention that the karaoke machine would “be here at four”. Double awesome. Frozen themed karaoke at the back of a pizza buffet restaurant. I’m all in.

Prima walks up to greet her friend and hands her the present.

She then proceeds to say, “Here is your present. We didn’t buy it. It is an old present from my Mamaws.”


I could have fucking died. I couldn’t get low enough into my seat to hide my shame and my laughter would have given me away anyway. Luckily the little girl is ADD too so her only response was, “I call my Grandma Mamaw too!” “Yay lets go play!”

Bullet dodged. I pulled out the iPhone and sat in the corner while fifteen people I don’t know stared at me and never attempted conversation. Then the karaoke got there. Right out of the gate we get Eddie Rabbit and I Love A Rainy Night. Those kids were confused at best. Then the lady mentioned Frozen and the heat was on. Let It Go. Do You Want to Build A Snowman. Jingle Bells.

Then when the birthday girl got tired of singing and ran to the arcade, her mother or aunt picked up the mic and sang a duet with someone about a man cheating between them and who he really loves. I thought that fit the six year old theme perfectly. Apparently this inspired the birthday girl to return and she sang Taylor Swift – Wildest Dreams, which she proceeded to describe some dude as handsome as hell. Another thing that made this six year old party interesting. I told Prima we needed to leave and she went on a hugging spree that I haven’t witnessed since my Aunt Lorie unleashed the Christmas hugs of 2003. Everyone in the family tree of the birthday girl got a goodbye hug from Prima. She left no stone unturned but several other children were mildly uncomfortable.

Just when I thought my parenting pride for the day had been hit hard enough. Jane has a conversation with her GJ about spending the night.

“I want to spend the night.”

“You don’t have any night clothes”

“I can wear these clothes to sleep in.”

“Then you will wear them twice.”

“That’s nothing, sometimes I wear my clothes three days at a time.”

Prima’s eyes light up with a potential solution. “I know what we can do! We will just switch clothes tomorrow so they will be clean to us.”

Yessir I am doing a bangup job of this parenting thing. If your kids make you look good to other people, this post is for you. Enjoy that because some of us aren’t so lucky. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy To The Rescue


Lottery Winner

Just as I am disappointed by not winning 1.5 billion in Powerball, I remember that I asked my children what they would do if daddy won the jackpot.

Jane – Build a farm. (She also wants a house with her own room.)

Prima – Build a bunny house.

These are not outlandish requests. I think I am a winner already. Low maintenance family.