Snow Cream

Snowmageddon 2018

The last few days have given us the gift of togetherness. We have no option because we are snowed in. On Friday a winter storm dumped an inch of sleet and four inches of snow. All of that came on the heels of an inch of rain which made preparations, like salting, impossible. Typically, a southern snow will be gone in a couple of days because we live on the boundary of the battle between the Arctic Vortex and the Gulf of Mexico. I’ve seen many days where a six inch snow in the morning is melted by a seventy degree heat wave that afternoon. Not this time.

The oldest two children went to Mamaw’s house on Thursday night. They planned on helping with the farm animals and getting an early start on the snow day. The sunshine after the snow has done very little to melt things thus far. We are going on day three and our road is a solid sheet of ice.

Day One:

My Facebook feed is full of bad driver and icy pileup compilations. This was one of my favorites.

SnowDay_BadDriving

Everyone becomes an expert driver. So many people get out for stupid reasons and end up in the ditch. Lots of people drive for perfectly reasonable reasons and also end up in the ditch. We decided that we had no reason to be out and about. Instead, we bundled up and ventured outside.

We made snow angels.

SnowDay_LB_SAngel

Not everyone is jazzed about the process.

SnowDay_Donna3_SAngel

SnowDay_SM

My snow angel. Awww.

While they enjoyed the snow I filled up two buckets with snow for snow-cream. In a tremendous show of my will power and self-restraint, I only had three bowls.

SnowDay_SnowCream

At least the bowl is organic.

 

Day Two:

Netflix and Screen time. All. Day. Long. Lots of food and two more bowls of snow-cream. I learned to use SketchUp.

MFFD_LabyWall_Front

Its a water control structure. I’m a water nerd.

Day Three:

A lot like day two. We did make it outside though. We journeyed through a field across from our house to see how messy the road was between our house and the highway. Spoiler: The road was an icy mess. Our walk was a good one. We stopped by a pond to toss ice chunks onto the surface and listen to the cool sounds that echo through the surface.

On our walk back I took a picture of a moment that caught me just right.

SnowDay_Moment

She is plotting her course.

The snow and ice had built up on top of the grassy field and wasn’t actually on the ground. Lady Bug was struggling with the walk because each step would break through the ice and throw her off balance. She started to walk in the same places where I had stepped because it made her work easier. I blazed ahead of the group trying to plot our course through the field. Supermom urged me, “to slow down and ease my stride because she was trying to follow in my footsteps.” It was one of those moments when a shallow comment speaks a deeper truth.

Slow down and ease your pace because she is following in your footsteps.

Leave it to a snow day and cabin fever to teach a lesson like that. We made it back to the house and surprise, surprise… ate more snow-cream. Baths. More Netflix. We will see what tomorrow brings.

If you sometimes need Mother Nature to pump the brakes for you, this post is for you. You’re welcome. I’m looking ahead to more snow and a low of eight degrees. My HVAC unit is making a weird noise so I can bet which day it will self-destruct.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Obesity on a Budget

Getting fat is getting expensive. Have you tried to buy chocolate lately? Good lord. Nine dollars for a reasonable sized bag of Hershey Bars? Anything Fun-sized is a damn lie! That is a pack full of piss me off! I can barely get a three pack of King Sized Reese’s cups for under $2. What the hell man?

So many people are being misled into drinking these organic-fruit-choy-cream-steamed-latte-protein-shakes that I cant even keep up with it. They look like someone has vacuumed sucked the happiness right out of their cheeks. It is a sad trend indeed. Just the other day my oldest came home from school and requested a salad for dinner. (Face palm) What are they teaching them at school? Obviously not accounting because you cant increase your body savings if you don’t feed the beast.

Good news America. I have cracked the dietary code. You no longer have to get a second mortgage to pack on those love handles that you have been wanting. My life altering man-made snow cream recipe might change the world. That’s right snow-cream. The seasonal dessert made in the south by collecting snow and adding evaporated milk, sugar, vanilla, and other variations of ingredients to make ice cream complete with radioactive dust from the upper atmosphere. It is delicious and also the single reason anyone south of Kentucky ever requests snow.

I alone have broken the mysterious secret physics of snow. No longer do you have to turn on your TV at night and watch My 600 Pound Life on TLC while fighting the uneasy sadness in your heart because you might never achieve such gluteal greatness. Obesity will be accessible to everyone regardless of income or social standing. Be warned though, once you try this for yourself, you can never turn back. If this were Alice In Wonderland I would be handing you the “Makes You Bigger” side of the size shifting mushroom.

Are you ready? Are you salivating?

Gross.

Moving on. The secret of snow is that it started life as liquid water. True story. Using the power of heat transfer in my refrigerator I have reversed engineered the freezing process and will share it with you now.

P

Liquid golden heroine. Dair-oine. You will be mainlining this with a straw in no time.

Liquid golden heroine. Dair-oine. You will be mainlining this with a straw in no time.

Psuedo-Snow Cream
1 Can of Sweetened Condensed Milk

2 Cups of Whole Milk

Totally Whole with vitamin D.

Totally Whole with vitamin D.

2 Teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
3 Cups of Liquid Water (Warm Snow)

Mix this vigorously in a large bowl that doesn’t spill during vigorous mixing. Distribute to individual plastic storage containers and place strategically under other items in the freezer. Every 45 minutes you might want to swirl them around to break up the ice crystals. Optional but helpful.

After they have frozen solid you can take one out each night after the kids have gone to bed and your spouse is asleep. Enjoy this treat like it is the last meal you will eat on death row.

I personally guarantee that your pants will be tighter in mere weeks, maybe days. For the people who feel this information is dangerous to national security I would agree. I just found it and for three weeks I havent missed a night of horking down a bowl of this dairy cocaine in the secret corners of my walk-in closet. I may need an intervention, stay tuned. This post is for everyone. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.