SMH

Kids are funny and at the same time so extremely frustrating. I don’t know where the behavior of not thinking ahead actually starts to improve but from 0-8 years old I haven’t seen much of it yet. A friend of mine posted a list of ten rules that she has given her children as a guide. I thought they were pretty funny and it made me think about my own common sense guidelines that would help my kids.

101 Rules

1. Knock Before Entering – This doesn’t mean knock and then enter anyway. It means knock and wait for permission. I can’t be responsible for you seeing things that can never be unseen. Walking into a room blindly is a good way for that to happen.

2. Don’t Light Others On Fire – We don’t even pretend to light others on fire. It is not funny.

3. Don’t Bother Someone In the Bathroom – This is a safe place and a private place. Laying on the floor outside and sticking fingers or little strips of paper under the door while giggling does not help me go faster.

4. No Fighting Before Mom Has Her Coffee – This is like breaking the law in front of the police or walking into a bank with a full black mask and trench coat. Don’t be stupid and you won’t get in trouble.

5. You Have to Wear Pants Around Company – No exceptions. Everyone counts as company.

6. Treat Others How You Wish To Be Treated – Slight amendment may be required to “Treat others how they would like to be treated” because my kids prefer getting punched in the face and that wouldn’t please “others”.

7. No Going Outside Without a Parent or Permission (Adult Supervision) – The oldest one telling me they will watch the youngest is zero comfort. Foxes are more than willing to watch chickens but that doesn’t end well for the chickens.

8. No Slamming Doors – Especially on fingers. Don’t even attempt to tell me you didn’t see the fingers.

9. No Drawing On Walls – The Egyptians did that and look what happened. They all died and were made into mummies.

10. Do Not Pet Strange Animals – Seeing it on Discovery Channel or Turtle Man does not make it familiar.

11. Don’t Play in the Toilet – Toys don’t go in the toilet or the sink, but especially the toilet. Dora is not into scuba.

12. Flush The Toilet After Using It – Not randomly or just for a Kleenex while your sisters are napping but if it is yellow or has turds in it, flush it.

13. Please Wipe Your Butt Correctly – Wiping is not like saying Hail Mary’s or signaling planes, it isn’t symbolic. The point is to actually touch the paper to a poopy or wet surface and improve the situation. Waving the toilet paper near your butt and then throwing it into the floor does nothing for anyone.

14. Do Not Store Your Hand in Your Pants – Don’t put your hand in your pants constantly. We can all forgive an occasional itch but your ass is not a pocket. It wasn’t made to hold bits of paper or snacks.

15. Don’t Eat Your Anyone’s Boogers – Boogers are not Play Doh that noses make just for you.

16. Get That Out of Your Mouth – If it isn’t food or drink related it probably shouldn’t be in your mouth. Chapstick, Butt Cream, Figurines, and Dog Food may seem confusing but work with me and just trust that it isn’t correct.

17. Wear the Clothing I Pick Out – How it feels inside the house should not inform your decision on what to wear outside the house. If we are going to play in the snow you cannot wear a tutu and go barefoot.

18. Prepare a Plan When Changing Clothes – When I ask you to get ready for bed please find your pajamas before stripping naked and wandering around the house looking for pajamas.

19. Stay Out of the Kitchen. You spill 100% of the things you try to pour and while practice is important I have to clean the spills after you try and cover them up with a single dinner napkin. A dinner napkin cannot absorb half a gallon of milk. Someone is going to notice that mess so just tell me already. If everyone can predict that something is going to happen it is not an accident; It is a character trait. You spill things.

20. Stay Out of My Bedroom. Rainy day snuggles or when you are feeling bad is okay but as a general play area this room is banned. I have gotten up too many mornings with something foreign stuck to my back or butt. Gold fish. Glittering My Little Pony figurine. Peanut butter and Nilla wafer. Used Kleenex. Enough already just stay out.

21. Stay Out of the Bathroom – Unless you are grooming, excreting something, or bathing. Shoving the sink full of lotion soap to stop it up so the ponies have a “pool” is not acceptable. Besides the obvious problem of clogging my sink you are exposing your toys to all of the uncleaned toothpaste spit lumps that ends up everywhere and you ironically refuse to clean because it is gross. Playing near it isn’t gross but rinsing it off the sink the moment it happens is disgusting. Sidenote: Have they considered childrens toothpaste as a medical adhesive or protective coating? It is impossible to get it off the sink once dried.

22. Do Not Ask If Dinner Is Ready – If you look in the kitchen and I am stirring something with steam rising off of it don’t ask, “Is dinner done?” Until you have a plate of food dinner is not done. This is the home version of the fun travel game ‘Are We There Yet?’ We are not there yet.

23. Do Not Ask If We Are There Yet – No. The car is still moving. Obviously we have some distance between the car and the destination.

24. Stop Licking Things – Examples I have witnessed; Toilet seat, grocery cart, floor tile, the dog, each other’s face, my hand, the wall, a disposable razor (twice).

25. Use Your Brain – Don’t hand your toddler sister two sharpened wooden pencils and decide to play tag. In fact, don’t hand anyone pencils and if you are in possession of pencils, crayons, markers, paint, stickers, ink, colored clay, or (God-forbid) glitter; Throw those away immediately.

26. You Can’t Play A Board Game – I don’t even know which one you are asking about and it doesn’t matter because you have broken it and lost half the pieces. Go invent a board game with pieces of your lunch that you scattered around the house. I dream of the day you can play a board game correctly but that isn’t today.

27. Meals Aren’t Like Allowance – You can’t decide at bedtime that you didn’t get enough breakfast and demand waffles that you should have received.

28. Don’t Keep Rubbing Your Eyes – Your eye hurts because your finger is in it. Maybe not originally but after poking it sixty three times it is going to hurt worse. That marinara sauce isn’t helping either.

29. No Playing Chicken Fights in the Deep End of the Pool – You can’t even touch in the shallow end but you are going to hold your sister on your shoulders?

30. Don’t Ask Me Questions While I Am On The Phone – I don’t hold my phone to my ear and talk to the wall for fun. I am on the phone. I am not usually on the phone much at home because I can’t hear the conversation. When I am, it is not the correct time to ask for a brownie, ponder our existence, or complain about the humidity. Those issues can wait five minutes.

31. No Running Means Find Another Activity – Do not start speed walking like the elderly people in the mall on Saturday. That still feels like running to me and you are just pissing me off.

32. Don’t Stick Your Finger In Anyone’s Butt – That’s all I really have to say on that one. This rule was covered on a personal level earlier but it should extend to others as well.

33. No You Can Not Smell It – Investigate your creepy smell obsession some other time. Stopping me in the middle of a poop diaper to ask if you can smell it is just plain disturbing. I admit that I oddly enjoy skunks and gasoline as a whiff but no one should smell diapers for fun.

34. Fart Only At the Appropriate Times – Playing in the backyard and aiming your fart at a friend is acceptable. Shitting your pants in the middle of a spelling test at school is not. Also, giving me a hug when I am sick and then releasing a silent fart as you leave the side of the bed is a jerk move.

So I stop at 34 because I want to know your rules too. Only 67 more rules to go. I know there has to be some funny ones out there. Start with #35 in the comments below and I’ll put them on the Facebook page as they come in.

For anyone who makes rules that no one follows, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

I have tried to be good, really I have. My cautionary tales of trying to be careful of what you say and do around children have apparently been in vain. There really is no way to guess what can be misrepresented.

I am responsible for the bedtime ritual of tucking the children into bed and I love it. Not only because it starts off adult time but because at the end of the day I get a few minutes with the girls to wish them well for the night and give hugs and kisses. For about a month now they have asked me for themed hugs at bedtime. Themed just means that I am supposed to act like a different animal and give them hugs like that animal might (an elephant uses big flappy ears and trumpets).

The first night I gave “Turkey” hugs where I would proceed to gobble my way to each one and tickle them. Orangutan hugs and penguin hugs are fun ones too.

It never fails that after hugs one of the girls will think of a question or complaint to keep me around and stall at bedtime. Monday night it was my oldest who had been drinking a juice cup as fast as she could go while I was giving monkey hugs goodnight. She finished the juice cup and gasped for air as I was walking out and she called me back into the room.

“Daddy!”

“Yes?”

“I feel dizzy and like I might be sick.”

“Well… You just sucked the bottom out of a juice cup and probably didn’t breath the whole time so I think dizzy is a reasonable feeling.”

“What do you mean?”

I then made a show out of acting like I was drinking her juice cup very intensely and then gasping for breath and laying in the floor. Exaggerating the point and making all of the girls laugh. Then I gave the cup back and told them goodnight and shut the door.

No big deal there right?

The next Saturday we go to a dinner party with the kiddos to play with our friend’s kiddos and just to hang out and have a good time. Fellow blogger familydoctormom, or MaryAnn and her husband the Professor have a couple of girls that our girls love playing with. Everything was going great. Our gracious hosts had dinner, dessert, and entertaining toys for all the kids to play with while we visited in the kitchen. Then the sugar of the cupcakes began to wear the children down and they start flocking back to the parents. Like little alien ships they return to the mothership and crawl up in our laps.

Prima the Ballerina was sitting on the couch and we were chatting with our friends. She made a comment that “Daddy is funny.”

Familydoctormom replies, “Oh yeah? What does daddy do that is funny?”

She doesn’t miss a beat, “He drinks a lot really fast and then passes out in the floor.”

I protest, “Wait wait let me explain.”

Too late, they are all laughing hysterically. I am a little concerned at how easily the description rolled out of her thoughts. Almost like she had said it before…

“So Prima did you tell anyone else about our game?”

“Oh yes. I tell my friends that my daddy drinks until he can’t breathe and falls in the floor and he is so funny.”

She is laughing and so is everyone else and I have nothing to add at that point.

Once again I expect a call from the school or the government any day. I really have to work on descriptions or context or something with these kids. Next thing you know they will be bringing home gifts from the angel tree at school because the teacher feels sorry for my alcoholic struggles.

If you try to make it fun for your children and they portray you as a fall-down drunk then this story is for you. You’re welcome. Underdaddy to the rescue.