Breath of A Salesman

Know your product. If you are going to come sell me something, do your homework. That is all I ask. I had two fun encounters recently where I would say that the product rep wasn’t actually educated on his product.

Case Number One –

Supermom calls me one afternoon. “I’m switching our cable to satellite.”

Underdaddy: Okay. Why?

Supermom: This guy is here and it sounds like a good deal.

Underdaddy: Hand him the phone. (Not because I don’t trust her decision but I dont like anyone trying to do a rush sales job. It makes me suspicious. Supermom is more trusting than I am.)

Sales Dude: Hello!

Underdaddy: Can you just leave me some information to look over and we can call you later?

Sales Dude: We don’t typically leave materials but I am going to be in the neighborhood, can I call you later this evening?

Underdaddy: Um. Leave me the number and I will call you.

Sales Dude: Maybe you could tell me what you drive and I could look for your car.

Underdaddy: Like campout and stalk my house. No we’re not going to do that.

Sales Dude: I see your point. I will leave a number.

Underdaddy: Thank you, person I don’t know.


So later that afternoon when I get home Supermom and I discuss and decide we don’t know about the internet service and decide to not mess with it. Then about 7:30 there is a knock on the door.


Sales Dude: Hi! I just wanted to stop back by and see if I could answer any questions you might have.

Underdaddy: Sure. I have questions.


I proceeded to ask questions. I will preface this by giving you some background. Apparently this was his first day on the job. He completed sales team training a few days before and didn’t have credentials, a name tag, or any idea that he was in a neighborhood where knocking on doors and waking babies gets you shot.


Q: How fast is the internet?

A: Pretty fast.


Q: What about the wind blowing and messing up service.

A: That doesn’t happen anymore.

Q: Wind?

A: No, the satellites work better now.

Q: Did you give them a pay raise or something?

A: What? I don’t understand.


Q: How do I know you work for the satellite company?

A: I don’t actually. We are a firm that gets customers for the company.


Q: So how do I sign up?

A: Well. I call the customer service and they do a light credit check with you SS number.

Q: They aren’t in India or some shit are they?

A: Yes actually. We are working on a domestic call center but don’t have one yet.

Q: So they haven’t gotten you a name tag, customer service is in India, and I have to give out my social?

A: Yes

Underdaddy: That doesn’t make me confident. Just so you know.

Sales Dude: Oh don’t worry. My major in college was cyber security and I take it seriously.

Underdaddy: So if anyone could screw me it would be you.

Sales Dude: I see your point.

Underdaddy: Okay. It still sounds like a good deal or an elaborate scam. If you can get me some credentials then I am in.


So we sat for ten minutes trying to get someone from his sales team to send me something I could believe in. I was pretty sure that he was telling the truth but was really young and new to the game so I did what anyone would do. I continued to screw with him. Over the next ten minutes I had him text me the Driver’s license of everyone in his team.

I found out what each one of them drove. Got all of the employee numbers. Texted him on his personal cell phone. It was awesome. One lady has a cream colored Kate Spade purse and the other dude drove a Corvette so I guess business is good.

Then we called the sign-up lady in India. She couldn’t understand us and canceled the order. We called another lady and she spoke better English. We can fast forward a week to today. The installation guys showed up and after about an hour of prep time outside, one of them knocked on the front door.


Underdaddy: Hi.

Installer: So do you have the name of the guy who sold you the service?

(I silently think Oh shit, it was the most elaborate scam on the planet. I’m ruined. He is probably trying to steal all of my tens of dollars.)

Underdaddy: Funny story. I have all of their names, numbers, and ID’s.

Installer: Let me get that. I need to call him because he is selling service and we don’t even have cable in this part of town.

Underdaddy: Awesome.

Installer: Yeah. I guess you don’t want the service right?

Underdaddy: That is correct.

This is why they say life is stranger than fiction.

Now, as an added bonus, everyone who has managed to go this far deserves the gift of a second story. I have a relative who drinks a lot. He espouses values of the religious right-wing yet knows very little about the actual religious part. He just knows that everyone else seems to believe something and he agrees with them. I also apologize for the contradictory blasphemy but it is the official transcript. It goes back to my no-censorship promise.

Scenario Number Two

Drunk Person: I don’t know… why… we just, we just. They should blow up the Middle East they don’t know about Jesus.

Underdaddy: I think they are familiar with the concept.

Drunk Person: They ain’t nothing but Muslims and Jews.

Underdaddy: You do know that Jesus was a Jew.

Drunk Person: Watch your mouth.

Underdaddy: Really? … Where do you think he lived? Kansas?

Drunk Person: I know it wasn’t no Middle East. He wasn’t a Jew. He was a Christian.

Underdaddy: How could he be something that technically describes “people who follow” him? Kind of impossible and would completely miss the point if he wasn’t Jewish btw. I hate to break it to you but he would be from the Middle East. They spoke Aramaic or something like that. Hell, he would probably be on a no-fly list if he lived in the modern day.

Drunk Person: Jesus wasn’t no goddamned Arab.

Underdaddy: True. He was a godblessed Arab if anything.

Drunk Person: You don’t know your history books. That’s why they need prayer in school.

Underdaddy: … I think you need to re-read the brochure.

Then I found this site and had a silent giggle to myself. I know it is bad and offensive and all that but, hilarious too.

So there it is. Two salesmen who didn’t know their product.

If you have ever experienced confusing discussions, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.