Rice Krispy Treats

Many of you may recall a rant I had on the Orgreenic Non-stick pans that are the polar opposite of non-stick. Hate is a mild term to describe my feelings on these pans. Anything that adheres to butter is not fit for cooking. If they used the special green ceramic coating for things like skyscrapers then the window washer could just walk up the side like Spiderman and eliminate all those pulleys and platforms.

The only survivor of my previous rage-smash of the Orgreenic products was the soup pot because, surely to God, chicken broth would be fine against this non-stick surface. I have all but forgotten about the feelings of betrayal and violation that I had after throwing away my ‘As Seen On TV’ cookware. Then Supermom made Rice Krispy Treats… In the Orgreenic soup pot.

What could possibly go wrong here. Worlds Stickiest Pan + Worlds Stickiest Treat.

Military Grade Adhesion

I have made an executive decision. I have a three step plan for eliminating the Orgreenic Non-stick problem. First, I will douse the entire pot in charcoal lighter fluid and light it on fire. Once the smoldering flames subside I will fill the demon pot with a high strength concrete. After the concrete sets inside the pot and creates a Rock of Eternal Sadness, I will cast it into the first swamp that I can find. I will laugh maniacally as it sinks into the marshy sludge and secretly I will hope that the pot will be preserved as a fossil for future civilizations to analyze. They will be amazed at our barbaric technology and have a renewed sense of appreciation for the standard of living that they have achieved. Or some asshole will sample a piece of the surviving coating and reverse engineer it only to sell it on an infomercial, touting the lost technology as some type of Lost City of Atlantis bullshit. Some future mega-store will sell it to trusting saps who will follow my same progression into madness only to end the spiral by smashing the “godamn pots” to pieces with a ten pound sledge hammer in the middle of a washed concrete driveway while the neighbors stare at them and silently judge the decaying pumpkins that are STILL on the front walkway. Well, they can cram those pumpkins into what’s left of this pot. Like I give a damn.

If you hate being sold crappy products this post is for you. You’re welcome. Again.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

It is important to learn cause and effect. Darwinism comes to mind when considering how important it is for young animals to learn from their mistakes and grow into adulthood. For instance, Dodo birds were really crappy at dodging angry people trying to beat them to death with clubs. Hence, extinction for the dodo. We must learn dangers if we are going to survive.

Recently Don Threeto stayed overnight with the grandparents for a little one-on-one time for more personal attention. The plan for the day was swimming. Granddaddy put her in a swim suit, slathered her in sunscreen, and sat her at the breakfast counter with a Rice Krispy treat. She was enjoying her treat peacefully but suddenly began crying. Screaming. The ugly faced cry I’m sure. Threeto likes to scream and get you good and worried but then she refuses to say anything close to actual words. That day was no different. She cried for thirty minutes and was so upset that she didn’t even finish her Rice Krispy treat. That is a big deal for my kids because if food hits the ground it gets scavenged by someone or some thing, like prison rules in the cafeteria but with Lunchables.

Fast forward a few more minutes and everyone is ready for some time at the pool. As they are preparing to go outside Granddaddy hands Threeto the leftover piece of the Rice Krispy treat and she refuses to take it. She says, “Those burn my eyes.” Apparently while eating the treat she rubbed her eyes and the slathering of sunscreen set them on fire. Now she thinks eating Rice Krispy unleashes holy hell-fire in the upper face area. Totally reasonable I guess.

I wish I could mis-associate ice cream or brownies. Wait. No I don’t. Those things are both delicious.

If you wonder about your children and their power of logical thought, this post is for you.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

For the new folks who don’t know Don Threeto. Here is the rundown.