Poop Hands

If I Could Say One Thing

In the blockbuster movie “Men In Black” featuring world renown actor and ear model Will Smith, there exists a tiny device called the neuralizer. This magic crossbreed between a wand and a flashlight has the power to erase the memory of any subject leaving a blank slate for the next few seconds allowing the interviewer to insert new happy memories. What a magical tool.

Sometimes I daydream about owning a neuralizer and using it immediately after speaking a string of harsh truths. There are so many things that I want to say just as a relief. I don’t want to say it to them as much as at them.

I have asked several people this question and the answer is usually word-for-word identical. Multiple view points, cultural backgrounds, and stages of life but still the general emotion seems to be the same.

Question: What is the one mean thing that you wish you could say, at least once, just to get it out?

Answer: Shut the fuck up.

Every. Time. I have to admit my inner voice has thought this more than once.

-When they are supposed to be going to bed but are talking.

-When they keep asking the same questions on a road trip.

-When they are gushing embarrassing details to complete strangers.

-When they are asking their mother for a refill of juice while she holds a dead animal and sobs. (Who hasn’t been there? Am I right?)

Just once to be able to lovingly embrace them and whisper, “Shut the f*$% up.” Followed immediately by a bright flash and then I say, “I love you sweet child. Sleep soundly tonight.” We both would smile and all would be right with the world.

Other times in life I think I would use the device on myself. For example…

Poo Hands

Not chocolate. Totally got you. 

I know Supermom would go for a memory erase right about here…

Poop Clean.JPG

I’m not sure that bleach works on grout? It just seems like there would be gaps for poop particles.

If you ever needed a neuralizer, this post is for you. Sleep deprivation seems to do a good job of erasing most things but it takes time. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.