Kids

Hopping The State Line

For some reason, society has decided that living life with anything other than two kids and two pets is crazy. Absolutely and certifiably, insane. If you just got married then you get a pass but it is only temporary. Time is tapping a toe and looking at a pocket watch. Get this show on the road.

If you are a little confused over what is expected of you have no fear, Hollywood and magazines have you covered. Or you could ask the internet indirectly by posting a picture and a phrase like “guess who is expecting!!”. If you have one child or less then you will get hundreds of likes. Maybe a few shares. Try it if you already have three kids or more and crickets…

So what is ideal? In an effort to save time I have looked into the matter. The ideal family has the following ingredients; a hard working father in a semi-physical trade that he can provide a good living but is definitely tired at the end of the day, a mother who makes a fuss over the family and is dramatic but she has a heart of gold and manages to cook all meals including school lunches; a son who is the oldest, good at sports, and is protective over his younger sister; a daughter who is the youngest and free spirited, highly pursued by boys but she is too busy with her studies for tomfoolery; a dog who is either a beagle mix or a golden retriever and was originally purchased as the companion to the son but is now best friends with dad; a cat who is fiercely independent but loves rubbing against legs when people are carrying large objects, she belongs to the daughter but you would never know it.

Throw in a white picket fence in a neighborhood with sidewalks and you have yourself a slice of America. Right out the oven.

If you don’t follow the recipe above then expect some of the following questions.

“Are you trying for a boy/girl?”

“When is the next one?”

“Are you ever planning on having kids?”

“Aren’t you going to give them a little brother or sister?”

or in my case…

“Four kids! Jesus. That’s one way to live your life.”

Old ladies in the supermarket are the most brutally honest. I have heard more than one person mention suicide if they had “that many” kids. Suicide! In front of my kids no less. It sounded more like, “Oh my. I’d don’t know what I’d do with that many. Probably jump off a bridge.” But honestly Gladiss, that is suicide.

Why wait lady? If life is that tough already. And thanks for letting my kids think that they are an unbearable burden.

It is just weird.

I have good kids too. They are polite and kind hearted. Definitely not “jump off a bridge” material.

People are no different with animals. The first dog or cat and people are all, “That is so sweet. Animals are such a blessing! Your kids will love it!”

Then hit them up with news about a rabbit or another dog or feeding an abandoned baby squirrel that lost its mother to a freak cat accident.

“Oh my.”

“Are you crazy?”

“What do you feed them?”

So what if I know what shows up when you type “squirrel nipples” into the Google search bar. It was a legit search. Go judge someone else.

I know people who spend more on booze than I do on animals. Or cars. Or fancy dinners. Hell, I spend more on fancy dinners than I do on pets. Which proves you can’t justify one bad habit by comparing it to a worse one but still… There are worse things than being an animal person or a having a large family.

All of the stuff above here was just a setup to say, “Hey we bought another wallaby. Her name is Bindi Lou Who.”

Now maybe you will feel guilty about giving me grief over it.

Maybe not. Either way.

If you like wallabies and secretly knew that we were crazy enough to get another one, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Stick To It-ness

I have spent the last several days trying to shake a head cold. It is kicking my ass. I am slowly getting better but I am not there yet. Supermom has been flying solo and it gives me an immense respect for anyone who has to shepherd multiple children as a single parent. Children just have tenacity that adults aren’t equipped to deal with.

Reader: Perhaps you could give me a few examples…
Underdaddy: Sorry. I zoned out for a minute. Cold meds. I was going somewhere with all that but I am just so exhausted. Okay. Some examples. No problem.

First we will start with Lady Bug. Her tenacity is more of a hard headedness paired with a communication barrier. She is hopelessly addicted to watching some random lady open My Little Pony mystery packs on Kid’s You Tube on an iPad that fails to hold more than a thirty minute charge. That means every thirty minutes she cries. She sobs. A lonely desperate wail that says her electronic soulmate has died and may never return leaving her alone to wander the earth. A tormented soul always looking for the old style iPad charger and someone reliable to plug it into the wall.

Don Threeto’s persistence should be fairly obvious from her multiple stories. She is the hammer and the world is her nail. An attorney’s dream. She has the balls to get herself into trouble but the moment she is found out she shuts up like a clam. This kid has been bleeding from the forehead after running into something and acted like I had a third ear when I asked her about it.

UD: Hey I noticed you are bleeding out of your forehead. Plus, I heard a loud bang like someone ran into the television tray.
Threeto: Nope.
UD: What do you mean nope? You are bleeding.
Threeto: No I’m not.
UD: …
Threeto: …

I can’t even process her sometimes.

However, our winner this evening is Jane. She is an alpha child all the way and she has a restless energy that I think she got from me. She was wearing me down with constant ADHD chatter so I sent her outside to play. Each time I checked on her she had a new epic project that she was working on. The first time, I opened the door and she was holding a small hand shovel and standing under her playhouse.

UD: What are you up to?
Jane: Just looking for a place to plant some corn under my playhouse.
UD: Okay.

Five minutes later and it looked like the patio had exploded with dirt and clumpy grass roots.

UD: Why is the patio covered in dirt.
Jane: I’m putting dirt in a cup.
UD: Why?
Jane: To get it off the patio.
UD: Okay

Fast forward ten minutes and I looked outside. I see her hunched over a water bottle working intently. My curiosity makes me investigate.

UD: What are you up to now?
Jane: I’m making a watering can.
UD: Sounds good.
Jane: I made one with this water bottle and a stick.
UD: Cool.
Jane: It works. See. (She squeezes it and water sprays in the air)
UD: Oh wow. How did you poke the holes in the top?
Jane: With a stick I found.

I looked around the patio and spotted a small frayed bamboo skewer. It was tattered and broken on one end. I looked back to Jane and silently inspected her hands. Not a scratch. I was amazed.

This child, who can’t seem to find shoes that she was just wearing or pour a glass of milk without using a roll of paper towels, has somehow penetrated the solid plastic cap of an Aquafina multiple times with a meat skewer. I can’t even get the damn thing through actual meat half the time. Hell, I can’t get the cap off the water half the time. Kudos to that kid. Extra kudos for not having to go to the ER. That is a welcome change. P.s. don’t ever make my kids mad enough to stab you because nothing can stop that tornado of fury.

If you have children who are persistent then this story is for you. My persistence in the War of The Pumpkins of 2015 has paid off in spades. I didn’t have to clean up a single rotting gourd. VICTORY! You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Spring Break Kickoff

Yay! Time for spring break. A week with all the kids at home is bound to be delightful. I know how well they behave when half of them go to school.

Passive medical chair. Sit and enjoy a fully moisturized rear.

At least they will have something to do. Supermom has enjoyed Kolaso so much…

Watching him eat my jeans.

that she has added three adorable lion-faced bunnies. We are only keeping one but the selection process is taking longer than I feel it should. If only they weren’t so cute.

Cute little turd factories.

Rabbits are second only to chickens when it comes to poop generation. When it comes to urine the win has to go to…

Diaper dog. She is blowing out size 6 pull-ups.

I think we need to upgrade her to Depends. This is one of those situations where I see her sleeping quietly and I wonder if she is actually dead. I feel a flood of guilt for the wave of relief that builds up in my chest then she snores like a band-saw and I am right back to pondering euthanasia. I love her but sweet baby Jesus, she is cashing in her chips one soaked pile of laundry at a time. She works in tandem with the youngest child. Lady Bug shoves all the clean clothes off the couch and within two minutes Sprinkles the Wonder Dog wanders aimlessly across them while her drippy dog twat pours like a busted water main. She is a maple syrup smelling pile of sadness and I can’r bring myself to end her because she is still happy to see me. Dammit.

Speaking of death and decay. The pumpkins are still there. A few of you thought I was kidding about leaving the jack-o-lanterns to wither and die but I wasn’t.

Frankly, I’m amazed.

There is some real science going on here. The three on the left were carved so they began decay before winter really set in. The one on the right was only drawn on with a sharpie and didn’t have the protective outer skin broken until we had a hard freeze. The tissues basically became freezer burned and all the moisture leaked out but it hasn’t decayed like the others. If you notice the lighter areas of concrete, this is where the juices seeped out during freeze-thaw cycles. What can I say… Science is messy.

You can still see the face. I wonder if the seeds will sprout and grow into the sidewalk?

We attempted having a movie night tonight to kick things off. Alvin and the Road Chip. Cheesy but funny. Everything is funnier with high pitched voices. Like all good family activities, the family movie idea far exceeded the reality. I did manage to get grounded because I “pants-ed” Supermom and she didn’t find it nearly as funny as the rest of us.

Ah memories.

If you survived another week, this post is for you. You’re welcome. As I listen to the hour long sob session of my oldest child, who is beyond tired and crying because she has the wrong blanket and her sister who finally fell asleep has the one she wants, I take solace in watching relate-able episodes of The Middle, On-Demand through my cable box.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Say What?

One of the things I love the most about parenting is the totally random things that kids will say. They don’t have any frame of reference so when I tell one of them to “stop licking your sister’s balls” there is zero giggling. They don’t realize that I said something funny or maybe I don’t realize it shouldn’t be funny. I don’t really know. I giggled. It’s funny.

I noticed some odd word pairings in a book we have from Your Baby Can Read. I’m not entirely sure that children benefit from learning the word Horse and the word Balls at the same time. Is there a phonetic connection? It makes me cringe a little to let the kids play with the flip cards. Another solid word combination is Chick and Reading. Classy guys, real classy. Here are some other situations that made me cringe/giggle.

The first one takes place on the farm. Grandma is walking a couple of horses out of the barn and Threeto is nearby. Horse number one bites horse number two out of spite and grandma says, “Coco, you bitch.” Threeto gets a confused look and asks, “We have a horse named bitch?”

The other night we are playing in the living room. Everyone is imagining flying around with the dragons and being superheroes. Threeto runs up to me and looks me square in the eye, “Daddy. I am so high right now. Like really, really high.” She did look a little wild eyed so I giggled.

This is funny right?

The day that we went to Toys-R-Us, we are walking up and down the aisles just looking at different toys. Once again Threeto is the star of the show. She grabs a Barbie with some sort of electronic sound feature. There is a hole in the box for a potential customer to stick in a finger and try out the button. She pokes the Barbie two or three times and her sister asks her to come look at another toy. Threeto responds, “Hang on…I’m fingering this.” Again, funny stuff.

Putting Threeto to bed and I say something offhanded about how they are “driving me crazy”.

Threeto: You mean nuts?

Underdaddy: Sure. You kids are driving me nuts.

Threeto: You have nuts.

Underdaddy: You mean I am crazy?

Threeto: … Nuts…

Underdaddy: … Go to sleep.

Finally, like any good parent, I was allowing technology to do a little babysitting. As I walked by the three children gathered on the couch I heard them push a button and talk to the iPad. It made me curious so I took a peek and found that Kids YouTube has a Siri type search function where you can talk to the search bar. I said, “My Little Pony” and ten MLP videos were immediately displayed. Pretty cool. I also noticed that the iPad had trouble understanding the younger children. As I walked away I had the thought that it could be dangerous to let the kids search by talk. Lady Bug promptly removed her pacifier and unleashed a word that sounded very similar to fuck. I did a U-turn and took the iPad for a little while. Better safe than sorry. No one needs to see what Google brings up when you just search the F bomb.

So if you have fun with children and enjoy their creative language moments, this post is for you. Mostly it these have been through Don Threeto lately. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Proof Positive

“Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.” Wise words.

Well never fear. Supermom and I “opened our mouth” and proved it. Fair warning, I laughed about this for an unreasonable amount of time. Where to begin?

Okay well, here goes. So this one night we are trying desperately to get everyone headed in the right direction. I got home late from work. We needed one or two ingredients for dinner from the store so we didn’t eat until late. The kids smeared their bodies in some sort of tomato based grease from dinner so we had to take baths. After baths we discovered that the girls had made a tent upstairs from their blankets and pillows. I trudged upstairs and recovered blankets and pillows. .

We go through the usual routine of “Daddy I need an extra hug” and “Daddy… Say something funny.” Finally the kids go to sleep about an hour past bedtime. Supermom and I felt like our day had been rushed out from under us and we had to stay up late to wash a load of clothes so the older two would have something to wear to school.

Close to midnight and Jane wakes up and comes into our room. She has super red eyes and a stuffy nose. Turns out the dog had taken a nap on her pillow inside the blanket fort. Jane is allergic to pet dander. I know. I know. A million pets probably isn’t the best solution. Anyway, we dose her up with Benadryl and send her back to bed. The clothes finished drying a little after midnight. We left them in the dryer because we didn’t confirm they were done, we just listened for the buzzer to go off so we could be reasonably comfortable that the house wouldn’t burn down. Then we went directly to sleep.

I woke to birds chirping and a senile dog snoring at the end of my bed. I felt rested but something seemed out of place. Then I noticed the clock. 7:15. Oh shit. We had thirty minutes to get ready for school and work and no one was awake yet. I had forgotten the alarm clock.

What followed was an amazing display of leadership skills powered by adrenaline.

Everyone up and at’em. Little Debbie cakes for breakfast. Brush teeth. Get dressed. “Don’t worry about those wrinkles, they will stretch out and by lunchtime you wont even notice.” Brush hair. Prima’s hair was a huge mess because she went to bed with wet hair and we didn’t make time to blow dry it. Oh well. These things happen.

Jane is about halfway through her antihistamine induced haze. It takes a while for Benadryl to work out of their system but she couldn’t breathe the night before so I stand by the decision. She slumbered to the car like a zombie. I’m not sure how she didn’t walk into a wall or trip over toys. Her eyes were pretty much shut. At least she was dressed and had her backpack. I glanced at my watch (clock on my phone) and amazingly we are all on-time.

PARENTING WIN!!!

Then Prima’s eyes light up. She says, “Ohhh I’m so excited for school today!”

“Oh why is that?”

“It’s school picture day!”

Oh.My.God. Too late to change it now.

Prima thought, “Nailed It” a second too soon. Jane is still high. Which box should I check?

Fast forward to today. I walked into the house and saw the photos sitting on the desk. The funniest part is they said PROOF. I guess that is about right. Undeniable proof that we totally forgot about picture day. I promise we are better parents than this, only I’m not sure when.

For anyone who feels like a failure and occasionally gets some “PROOF”, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.