Junk Food Kingdom

Weekly Achievements

I have been making quality decisions all week.

If you could only pick one, which thing would you rather do for the rest of your life; sit or stand? In summer we want winter. In winter we think about summer. The fall would be nice if it weren’t so dusty. The spring would be nice if it didn’t rain as much. It is always something.

The greener grass principle is in full effect. School is back in session and all the stresses that come along are popping up as well. At least we could skip baths more during summer break.

Going to bed on time – Ehh.
Keeping up with laundry – Nope
Waking up in time for a nutritious breakfast so my young champions can go to school and soak up knowledge – ….

Yup, I am prepping for a full on fail.

Here are some highlights of my continued run towards parent of the year:

Tonight I called Prima “Rain Man” because she has a record day of being inattentive. It started with losing her shoes between the front door and her room. Twice. Once she was holding them. Then she was getting dressed after swimming and lost focus because of a doll. I found her with her pants around one ankle and her shirt wadded up around her neck while she was bent over playing with a doll in the floor. If you can’t focus long enough to finish pulling up your underwear then I don’t think I can help you.


I overheard the kids playing. Prima says to Don Threeto, “Oh I thought this pony was dead but she is alive.” Threeto responds, “I can fix that.”

We had corn on the cob last night and I noticed Prima didn’t eat hers. We ran out of corn because it was delicious so I was thinking, “Hmmm are you gonna eat that?” So I asked her. She said, “No I just sucked it a lot.” Lesson learned. Nothing can be assumed untouched. My youngest sister taught my parents that and I should have remembered.

We told Lady Bug to get ready to go and she found a necklace she liked and she painted her legs for the occasion. I think a trip to the river calls for pink and green legs stripes, don’t you?


We put a sprinkler out in the yard for the kids to play in while we visited the river last weekend. Prima and Threeto squatted over the jets and let it spray them in the butt crack for like ten minutes. That is going to come up at both of their weddings.


This morning I tossed the kids a little Debbie Oatmeal Pie for breakfast while I made the wallaby a bottle with special milk. Total dad points there.

The girls went to the grandparents to go swimming for the evening. I go to pick them up and they are still swimming when I arrive. We start the ritual, “Get out and get dried off. Get out and get dried off. Get out now and get dried off.” After about a hundred times my rhetoric has devolved into impossible threats. “I AM ZEUS THE GOD OF THUNDER AND I WILL LIGHTNING BOLT YOUR ASS IF YOU DON’T GET OUT OF THE WATER NOW!”
With that super-scary threat, they (kind-of sort-of) start to move. They all take off their swimsuits on the back porch and hang them on the rail as they go in the house. I realize this will be an awkward moment for them at a pool-party someday. A parent will tell everyone to get out of the pool and my kid will strip naked and throw their clothes over the nearest lawn furniture. Future points for parent of the year.

But I don’t think the blame can be placed on me entirely.

They are ADD. I know it is cliché and the same as someone saying they are OCD when in truth they are just anal. OCD means you are a little more than particular, like you remove skin layers because the body wash says, “Lather, Rinse, Repeat” and you don’t know when or how to stop. My kids have one of two extremes – Zero Attention Span or Hyper Focus. I can’t decide which label works best.

If your kids are space cadets who test your patience, this post is for you. Me too.

Underdaddy to the rescue.