Fumigate

You May Be In Danger Right Now

To the people I know, you are going to want to read this. I have some inside information and parenting code of ethics makes it a little tricky but you should know that you are in grave danger. Recent interrogation of my children has produced some valuable intelligence. I wish I could tell you this info directly but that isn’t an option.

Stay calm. You have time to fix this but I will need you to follow some guidelines. We have an opportunity to set up our parenting spy network.

Here are the rules:
1) This will be like a scavenger hunt. I don’t know where this weapon of mass destruction is located and you have to search discreetly.
2) Search carefully. This item will explode and release a noxious fume.
3) How you came to know about this item is classified. Friends share secrets sometimes and if one friend’s dad overhears something and tells the other parent trust can be lost quickly. These two kids are really close and I wouldn’t change that for the world. If you are questioned I would go with Santa, Elf on the Shelf, or the NSA.
4) I promise to keep your anonymity if you keep mine.

Agreed? Pinkie swear?

Okay let’s proceed.

From what I understand, your child is wanting a pet chicken. Probably because my child talks about having chickens so I apologize. Both children have a basic understanding that eggs become chickens. Together the two of them smuggled an egg out of your refrigerator and hid it away in a desk. My sources say the plan is to allow this egg to incubate for two months in the hopes a small chick will be born. If the plan succeeds then your carpet will be screwed. Chickens are the artesian wells of poop. Due to some macro-physics they poop more than they actually eat.

If the master plan fails you may have to fumigate your house. It is a nice house and nobody wants that. I stepped on a six month old rotten egg and it would make a skunk vomit. I think that is actually how frosted glass is made. Death row inmates are forced to smash rotten eggs near virgin glass and the individual particles try to escape thereby fracturing the crystalline structure of the glass and giving it the frosted look. But enough about that, you are wasting time. Go search your children’s desks for no reason at all.

If you find this ticking time bomb please email me a photo. If you find yourself saying, “Could this be me or someone I know?” The answer is yes so you better spread the word. Henceforth, I know nothing. Our conversation never happened. This message would be cooler if it self-destructed but it won’t. (I loved Inspector Gadget) You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.