Disney is a land with love and magic. It also has frustration. And anger. And confusion. I kept a list in the notes section of my phone so that I could be helpful to someone in the future. There won’t be a grand narrative or connecting theme with this post, only a list of my random observations and experiences. Enjoy.
- Everyone Takes Constant Selfies. I saw a woman lying on the ground upside down while her friend stood on a trash can to get an extreme photo angle. What I saw later made me feel sorry for the lady on the ground.
- The employees are all very happy and the guests look like prisoners who have just been turned out to the rec-yard. I figured people who paid money to stand in line would have been happier about it. The entire thing is optional. The monorail will take you back to the parking area and the happy guests will be glad you leave. It is a small world and Disney makes it feel claustrophobic.
- Sometimes the monorail breaks. Then you sit in line for the ferry with other people who would rather take the monorail.
- There is no good place to fart at Disney. I didn’t consider it before but a few facts about humans became important. The human body is constantly making methane. Everyone farts. If you don’t fart it could be a sign of a fatal condition (see your doctor). Despite these facts, society frowns on farting in crowds because nothing is worse than oppressive heat except for oppressive heat and a sulfur cloud. Lady Bug gave zero shits what anyone thought about farts. She crop-dusted everyone within ten feet in nearly every line. She would giggle and when the smell hit us she would say, “That’s my butt!”.
- You can give an alien plant a hand-job in Pandora. No shit. There is a large plant that has a large red area on the side. If you rub this area vigorously for a few seconds the plant will groan and spray water out of the end into the passing crowd. I’m not sure which part is more awkward. If you walked into Pandora in the Animal Kingdom and felt a mysterious spray of water…
- Disney must be the largest disease vector in the developed world. All handrails are at licking height for children and they must touch each and every surface in the entire park. I tried to show them examples of why we don’t touch surfaces in Disney. In one instance, a sickly man was walking behind a lady in a scooter. He began coughing and leaned on the scooter in some attempt to half walk, half ride. The lady asked him, “Are you okay.” To which he replied, “No” and then vomited watery snot directly onto the sidewalk. The rear tire of the scooter rolled through it and left a trail of moisture for about five feet. I pointed to the spot and told the girls, “This is why we don’t crawl on the ground on our hands and knee. Because no one is going to clean this and after it dries in the sun, you won’t have anything to let you know it was here.” The message didn’t stick because Prima licked the exterior wall of our condo later that night. I assume out of boredom.
- Disney is home of the overprotective mother. I can’t count the number of full grown children who had their knees crammed up to their chins in a stroller while their mother pushed them through the crowd. If your child is in danger of getting their entire leg sucked under the stroller before their upper body would move, they may be too big. Lady Bug is four and walked 100% of the time. She never requested to be carried and we went from morning until night. Kick your entitled kids out of the stroller. While you are at it, kick them out of the wrong bathroom. A good rule of thumb for moms, if your child has a baritone voice or any manner of pubic or facial hair, they are too big for you to take with you. They can wee wee all by their big-boy selves. The amount of women taking their boys into the women’s room was ridiculous. Cut the cord already.
- Scooters are proof that God has abandoned his creation and is blind to our suffering. I couldn’t tell if I had stumbled into an area of character actors from the movie Wall-E. America is so out of shape. And old. I nearly went ape-shit on an old man in a scooter who I am fairly sure might have been dead already. His eyes weren’t responding to movement around him and he was slumped over with a slight drool. I would have cared but he hit me in the ankle twice. Fuck that guy. There should be a test when the keys to the scooter are handed out. Not a hard test. More of a safety check. Something like, “Excuse me sir, do you have a pulse or a functioning motor neurons? Oh you do? Fantastic here are your keys. Enjoy the mayhem you will inevitably create. May God have mercy on your eternal soul.”
- Fast pass is an interesting social experiment. It gives you a chance to be a “have” and a “have not”. Every time I had a fast pass for a ride I would zip to the front and look at the sad faces of the people waiting in line. I would think, “You poor bastards. Ha ha. Sucks to be you.” Then, two hours later, I would be standing in a slow-moving line with a farting four year-old while fast-passers zip past me and I would think, “You self-righteous pricks. I hope you die. I hope the ride malfunctions and lops off your leg.” Everyone probably encounters the same level of waiting but it just felt good to hate the fast-passers.
- Two of the most enjoyable rides for me were the Toy Story rides. It was basically a drive-by shooting. You get a laser gun and unlimited ammo to blast bad guys. Very satisfying.
- They sell double balloons that consist of a colored mickey shaped balloon covered by a clear balloon. Grandad Map found one crammed into a trash can and he rescued it for the girls. They loved it but in about ten minutes they were done with it which meant that it got tied to my backpack. One side note about the backpack… I have lifetime rights to put random shit in my wife’s purse until we are old and grey. I carried everything for everyone in a backpack while we were in the parks. I carried juices and snacks and ears. I tolerated constant stooping over for someone to zip and unzip the backpack. Back to the balloon. This balloon decided to torture me and everyone near me for the next few hours. It was depleted of helium enough that it hovered instead of floated. It smacked people in line and wedged behind me when I tried to sit down. If I die and go to hell, 90% chance that the devil will tie a balloon to a backpack and make me navigate a crowd.
- Money falls from the sky at Disney. Every surface that is too far for guests to reach are covered with coins. Any water was guaranteed to have piles of coins littering the bottom. The posts sticking out of the lake next to the ferry boat glistened with nickels and dimes. You could hear them hitting the post and splashing into the water. I was on a lower level and I held my hand out. I caught thirty five cents. True story. I wonder if people are just that broken at the end of the day and they say, “Here, take it all you rat bastard!”
- We betrayed all of our children’s trust through traumatic roller coaster rides. Prima fell victim to Yeti Mountain. Jane got motion sick on Mission to Mars. Prima may have lost consciousness on Mission to Mars. Donna Threeto was broken by the Tower of Terror. Lady Bug was up for absolutely everything. She rode Big Thunder Mountain and shamed her sisters back into riding roller coasters. My favorite kid meltdown was someone else’s kid. We were waiting in the line for Rockin Roller Coaster and a small girl ahead of us in line was whimpering. Her father was assuring her that everything would be fine and there was no need to worry. The line moved out into the loading zone for the ride and the waiting guests got to watch a few cars launch before riding. The Rocking Rollercoaster is built to launch the coaster from zero to sixty miles per hours in a couple of seconds. Like a rocket. As the small girl, who had just finished crying, stopped at the fence to watch the first car leave, there was a burst of air and the coaster shot into a darker tunnel and disappeared leaving only echoes of screams. The girl melted into the floor in a pool of tears and screaming. She lost her mind. I laughed too hard to be helpful. Jane was with me and she thought it was funny too. Strangely enough, the girl decided to ride the ride proving that humans are addicted to bad decisions. By the end of the trip all of the girls liked roller coasters and were more open to enjoying all the rides. Plus we got cool pictures on the ones that scared them out of their minds.
So there you have it. A few tips and notes on Disney. There are probably lots more but I’ll save them for another day.
If you have ever been to Mickey’s world then this post is for you. You’re welcome.
-Underdaddy to the rescue.