Creepy Kids

Creepy Crayons

Have we talked about kids being creepy lately?

I feel like no.

Jane has always been the superstitious one and always has a story about her ghost friends. Now that she is getting to be a better artist she is trying to draw them more accurately. She drew a picture of them last Saturday and they look like a group of cursed pirates trying to steal the Black Pearl from Jack Sparrow. She swears one of them wears a wide brimmed captain’s hat.

Then she wrote a creepy story based on true events.

Crawler

I don’t know if the real event was a watermelon demon crawling on her ceiling or insomnia. I choose insomnia.

She has other art that is less creepy but just as disturbing.

Notice the magnet. This made the refrigerator.

At first glance this picture features a pony on the left with a pile of poop or a Dairy Queen chocolate dipped cone stuck to its hoof. It also has a word bubble that says “CRAP”. The large faceless pony on the right is trying to break through a barrier. Disturbing enough but then add in the stubby sidekick who is obviously watching for trouble. I have tried to figure out what that thing is and there is no getting around the fact that it is a penis that walks around on its balls. If you have a better interpretation… I am all ears. In fact, I am hereby holding a contest for an alternative explanation. Please enter one in the comments.

My youngest has not started producing creepy art yet but she does have a dark side. After spilling most of a container of juice she repurposed it as a torture chamber for some Littlest Pet Shop toys. I would ask her if the pets were “swimming” but I imagine she would just say, “No. They died.”

Supermom in her HO pants.

I defend myself quite a bit on here. I can only hope that our family is a normal level of crazy and I am just more lax about admitting it.

If your kids are the next M. Night Shyamalan, this post is for you. Every challenge is an opportunity in disguise. Tell yourself often. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Boundaries

Kids are definitely creepy. Part of the creepiness has to be the fact that they don’t have any reference for acceptable social conversation. We have a neighbor kid who I can tell is really smart, well-spoken for a four year old, and a little quirky.

He hears my girls playing in the backyard and usually starts talking to them through the fence. Then he comes over to play. Boys are a little more risk oriented than girls so I have to routinely stop them from doing things like throwing wooden blocks at each other as they are sliding or jousting with wooden tomato stakes. I have to set boundaries on violent games and the way they all interact verbally. Lately I have had to set a few other boundaries.

One day the girls came inside from playing and were laughing about their neighbor friend. They told me that he comes into our yard without us knowing sometimes and he looks into the windows. Awesome. I have started wearing pants around the house a little more which I think is unfair to me as a homeowner. If I want to stroll commando at 10:30 at night to get an icy cold Coke or make a sandwich then I should have to worry about peeping minors being scarred for life. So we started semi-locking the gate. I would call it locking but some wind blew the gate backwards and those doors are barely hanging now. It is more of a booby-trap than a barrier.

We added a shallow pool to our backyard repertoire and our neighbor was super excited to come play. At first he was in some new clothes and my girls insisted that he join in the fun. I tried to keep them from being too insistent as they continuously asked, “Why don’t you come swimming? Its fun! Its fun!”

I tried to give him a window to feel less pressured, “He is in his nice clothes girls, he will have to go home and change.”

“He could just swim naked!” responds Threeto.

“Dear God no. That is not… um… legal. He would definitely go to jail. Nobody can be naked outdoors, it is in the Constitution.” I looked at the confused four-year-old sternly. Then I gave the same look to the girls. “He can swim if he asks his mother and changes into a swimming suit.”

I don’t condone minors skinny dipping.

He came back over and they all had a grand time swimming around the ten foot wide swimming pool. I told him that we had to be home and outside but if we were then he could join us. That evening the girls went to their Mamaw’s house and Supermom and I had a free night. We were sitting in the bedroom around 5:00 when I heard an exterior door open and then shut again. I rushed to the living room and saw the boy looking in through the back door. He had come inside and then gone out again. I opened the door and explained to him that he shouldn’t come into the back yard through a closed gate if we aren’t outside and he certainly shouldn’t come into the house unannounced. I suggested that he use the front door to knock and see if anyone is home. Then I walked him out of the backyard. Ten seconds later he knocked on the front door.

“The girls aren’t home right now buddy.” I said as I tried to act like he had just appeared and didn’t come directly from my backyard.

He had a perplexed look and thought deeply before responding. “Okay. I’m going to a monster truck show so I will be back at 5:30.”

“They won’t be home for a day or two so…”

“That’s okay. You can come get me in a little while.”

“I feel like we are not communicating here.”

“Can I come knock on the door later?”

“No.”

“Okay I’ll be back later.”

I just laughed.

He is such a sweet and innocent kid but he keeps me nervous that he is living in my attic and listening through the air vents. Kids can be so awkward.

If you enjoy a little variety and suspense from kids with no social boundaries, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Kids Are Creepy People

Halloween is getting close again and the decorations and television shows are just awesome for helping my kids sleep at night. This is about the time of year we have the deep discussions about if ghosts are real, skeletons can walk, and are zombies really going to eat my brains. I am cool with dressing weird and candy. Demonic possession on Nickelodeon… ehh. I would rather avoid that topic.

My children are creepy enough anyway. For instance, I got a phone call from my wife when I was out of town overnight. Our oldest, Jane, woke in the middle of the night with a nightmare. I got a secondhand account of the story so I can only imagine how it went down in person.

“MOMMY!” A shrill voice rang out in the night.
“What is it?”
“It bit me!” Jane shrieked through her tears.
Supermom asked, “What? What bit you?”
“There was a black mist and it was eating my legs and then it bit my back and now my back really hurts.”
“…”

So that happened. I later linked it to an episode of Harry Potter and a Dementor attack. I suppose I should cancel that Catholic priest who I had lined up to sling holy water all over the house.

Then yesterday. Don Threeto drew me a picture and her coldblooded mafia persona held true.

“I drew you a picture Daddy.”
“Oh very nice. Looks like two pumpkins.”
“Yes.”
“I see the words there. What are they saying?”
“This one is saying ‘Do you know why your mom is never coming back?’”
“Ummm. What is that one saying?”
“I love my Mommy.”
“That is a tragic pumpkin story.”
“Yeah, can we hang this up somewhere?”
“No.”

Maybe I reacted too quickly but seriously, that was creepy. Then you can add in the voodoo cursed foot swelling that we had to deal with on Monday. Something that looked like a fire ant bite quickly ballooned into a red lump of mini-sausages. Off to the doctor. Steroids and two days later it was better.

You better believe she got that sucker-sticker reward though!

If you are dealing with strange happenings as we approach All Hallows Eve, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Kids are Creepy

Nothing is scarier than children. That is a scientific fact. Horror movies use wispy laughter of children, ghosts of children, and even children being possessed by television sets (I see this every time My Little Pony is on). That being said, sometimes my children venture into truly creepy territory.

One of the earliest memories I have of this involves child One. She had just gotten into a ‘big-girl’ bed and was newly potty trained. I would wake at odd times of the night with this feeling of someone watching. A small face, bathed in green light from a digital clock would stare and in a high and raspy voice say, “daddy…..juice” The first few times were the worst. My dream worlds would blend with the little Golem beside my bed and paralyze me with momentary fear. Eventually my subconscious figured out what was going on and these incidents became more of an annoyance.

No worries though because she kicked it up a notch. As she got older she would tell me stories about her ghost friends. I don’t know where she learned about ghosts, maybe from Scooby-Doo. I thought, perhaps, this was an imaginary friend scenario where the word ghost was inserted for imaginary. Then we had this conversation:

Me: So these friends. They are imaginary huh?
One: No daddy they are my ghost friends.
Me: Soooo, where did they come from.
One: They died.
Me: I see. What are their names?
One: I don’t know, they have a baby though.
Me: Oh like a ghost mommy and a ghost daddy had a ghost baby?
One: No the baby died and is a ghost too. They are so funny.
Me: Do you want to go watch Spongebob? I need to pick up some salt at the store and soak the carpet in holy water.

Creeped out yet? Yeah me too. So what awesome parenting thing did I do?
Nothing at all. Ignore it and hope it goes away.

It hung around for a while and I think she told me once that one of the ghost friends was an old relative of some sort, Great Granddad maybe? Some ghost dogs joined the story later and I think she has moved from child Medium to teller of interesting imaginary friends stories.
So if your kid doesnt see dead people and dogs, and doesn’t play with them in their spare time, you might be a better parent than me. You’re welcome.

Underdaddy to the rescue.