Creepy Clown

Went To Colorado But Not For What You Think

We recently took a four day road-trip to Colorado and you won’t believe why. Or maybe you will. I’ll tell you why but along the way let’s look at some pictures. I rarely do anything that doesn’t become interesting/complicated/frightening and this trip was no different. The easiest way to tell you everything is probably a list and everyone likes pictures right?

Here is our roadtrip! Eleven notable things.

1. Turns out that Summer’s Eve feminine products is exploring a new flavor, Urban Musk. It smells like a Convertible Honda S2000 + Gold Rims, Backwards Basketball Hat, Super-white Acne Shoulders Peeking Out of a Tank Top, and an Undeserved Sense of Self-worth. This guy couldn’t have been more douche-y if he was a rubber bag with a plastic nozzle. Yes, I used the word flavor on purpose.

Colorado_1

It makes it creepier which matches this guy.
2. It is always concerning to look up and see something like this.

Colorado_Truck
3. One thousand miles is a hell-of-a-long drive so we stopped halfway at Salina, Kansas and attempted to stay at a Best Western. There were several things that bothered me about the hotel. Maybe it was because it was 1:00 am or maybe it was actually creepy.

Horror movie hallway.

Horror movie hallway.

Why is this here? This is an elevator.

Why is this here? This is an elevator.

The conversation with the front desk manager was awesome and it may get its own post. Suffice it to say that I support the Kansas gun laws because I locked the door and sat facing it waiting for a Scarface level gunfight to erupt.

4. There is nothing in Kansas. It is so boring that they moved Kansas City just over the line into Missouri. It is like “The Hills Have Eyes” movie but there aren’t any hills. Super creepy.

5. We think we saw a tornado and we know that our car received hail damage.

No houses falling on witches though.

No houses falling on witches though.

6. After arriving in Strausburg, CO we went one mile south of I-70 and stopped to get the object of our trip. A baby Wallaby named Sir Tobias Dashnap.

Meet Sir Tobias Dashnap

Meet Sir Tobias Dashnap

Toby for short.

Sleepy Toby

Sleepy Toby

The conversation with anyone is always exactly the same;

“We are getting a Wallaby.”

“A what?”

“A wallaby. Like a kangaroo but smaller.”

“Is that legal?”

“Yes.”

“Okay… (Reads: WTF?)”

Then people usually try to find something positive to say but are too shocked to think of anything. I’m sure if you are like me, there are several questions that pop up later so I will help you out.

Yes, we are crazy and this isn’t the first symptom of that fact.

It will be small and stay inside sometimes in a playpen and outside sometimes in a little house.

No you can’t ask what it costs because that is crazy too. Less than a private jet but more than a free stray cat.

We did it because life is meant to be lived and I would rather be interesting than normal any day of the week. In short, we did it because we could, why not? Don’t answer that. There are plenty of “why nots” in life and I can’t be bothered with those.
7. Part of the impetus to begin blogging was my admiration for a couple of funny stories by The Bloggess. The metal chicken story and the taxidermy monkey story. Supermom and I have a habit of relaying anything related to those stories to our friends (Familydoctormom and The Professor). On this trip we found a Metal Chicken and a stuffed Puma. Thanks Jenny for the gift that keeps on giving!

Someone was told not to buy towels.

Someone was told not to buy towels.

The eyes follow you...

The eyes follow you…

8. We visited downtown Denver and ate lunch with one of the few college friends I have managed to keep contact with and he took us to the Cherry Cricket. A famous burger spot that was amazing. Thanks to the Duke-of-Earl for being our tour guide. It was really good to catch up!
9. Then we visited Georgetown just inside the Rocky Mountains. A beautiful spot built on a valley between two large mountains. We collected some rocks from the Rockies which the girls loved.

Colorado_Panorama

There was a house that concerned me though, it had a creepy stuffed clown with skis mounted in a window because that is normal?

File under WTF?

File under WTF?

10. The line between the Rocky Mountains and the Great Plains is abrupt. Denver is flat and at the exact base of the mountains. Driving though the plains was beautiful just because of the views. We saw really cool windmills, oil wells, tumble weeds, stone fence posts, NO TREES, plenty of wheat and cows.

Those black dots are cows. Windmills are huge.

Those black dots are cows. Windmills are huge.

Drill baby drill.

Drill baby drill.

Also, if I were to try and decide the current events of Kansas just by propaganda on billboards I would think they had three issues; People are unfamiliar with Jesus, Everyone is having recreational abortions, and McDonald’s has a shortage of French fries. These were seriously the only billboards I saw on the entire drive. The Jesus billboards were awesome because they were paintings of Jesus but they were placed in fields and sometimes he was painted holding whatever the actual crop planted around the sign was. For instance, one sign had him holding a fistful of wheat and the sign was in a wheat field so it felt like he was hiding and jumping out to surprise you. I have a collection of awesome pictures on my Facebook Page. Go check them out and Like the page if you want to see more of my stuff.

11. The drive home was an uninterrupted nineteen hours of driving. We started home with the intent of stopping halfway but each milestone was at a weird point in the journey so I kept going each time and by 4:00 am I didn’t see much point in getting a hotel room. Power through! One thousand miles is a long way to drive and I am a little delirious. I got back into the car to go get drive thru chicken and I had a small panic attack. Can you get PTSD from too much driving?

The kids had a fun time at Mamaw’s farm while we were away and even diaper dog was thankful for a break. Life gets routine sometimes and a little bit of spontaneity was good for us. What other time would I get out to see Kansas? I don’t recommend going and buying livestock when you get in a rut but for us it seems to work. So if you like to live life on the edge of social acceptance, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Costume Discovery

If you have already read the Phantom Disguises post then skip the link below and start at Welcome Back!. It was the one about sexy costumes, Oscar the Grouch, and me dressing as the Devil. If you didn’t catch it then you might want to read before continuing below. I know it seems like work but you will be rewarded.

https://underdaddy.com/2014/10/17/phantom-disguises/

Welcome Back!

In a previous article about Halloween costumes I stated that my sister was a bed sheet ghost. I would like to file a formal retraction and submit a correction. As it turns out my mother did not “phone-it-in” on this particular costume. She actually may have won the Halloween costume contest for all time.

Like any good internet article I wrote during a hazy, late night session and I just figured it was close enough and that I would gather details later. Seems reasonable. I dug out some old albums and found lots of cool history that I will share it due time. It took a while to find the evidence of the Halloween in question but I did.

Most of the stated facts were correct. I was in my long lived Devil costume holding the tail awkwardly like a big yellow penis. My cousin was in a Football uniform from the Local Electricians Union 1045. My sister was definitely not a ghost.

You see… the reason I miss remembered this event was because I was standing next to the creepiest clown in the history of creepy clowns. I have psychological scars so deep that I don’t even remember taking the picture. My brain reverts to the ghost memory whenever I close the picture. I can watch Stephen King’s “It” and not even bat an eye. Why should I? I have faced the ultimate clown and lived to tell the tale.

 

Tremble in fear.

Tremble in fear. She is mind controlling the dog too.

My poor sister has a look of uncomfortable rage that brings the costume to life. I can imagine that she probably wanted to be something more fun or kid friendly but the McCall’s catalog must have been limited to hellish manifestations. The Rainbow Bright section must have been sold out. Her anger is seething.

I also would guess that the candy haul was good because every victim would have dropped their bowls. The second reaction would be one of three possible scenarios; (1) Screaming and running, (2) Calling the cops, (3) Joining our zombie Trick-or-Treating cult and swearing fealty to your new dark clown overlord, allowing bodily possession on Halloween night each year.

I'm here for your soul. I'm smiling because there is nothing you can do....

I’m here for your soul. I’m smiling because there is nothing you can do….

Seriously, she looks like Ronald McDonald’s poltergeist in a Wendy’s wig and a Jack-In-The-Box shirt.

I’m never attempting a scary costume again because the bar has been set too high. I want to get this made into a life-sized cardboard cutout and place it at random front doors and ring the doorbell. Instead of “Ding-Dong-Ditch” I will call it “Ding-Dong-Stroke” or “Ding-Dong-Shit-Your-Pants”

Do any of you have archived pictures of evil burger chain mascots? I didnt think so.

To my mother and sister. I apologize for the previous error. You have mastered Halloween in every category. Congratulations.

Underdaddy to the rescue.