Crazy

Night of the Gliders

So… good news. Our fourth and youngest child has achieved a solid 90% potty trained status. When she has an accident it seems to be a purposeful and defiant pissing of the bathroom stool. High comedy for her sisters. Our puppy is still a slight pain in the ass. Literally. She chewed a plastic bottle on my side of the bed and last night I plucked three shards out of my butt cheek at 1:00 am. The tossing and turning that helped me find these scraps was a result of our other “big news” for the month.

No Supermom isn’t pregnant again. She better not be. I can’t imagine how Joseph must have felt finding out that Mary was pregnant. Luckily the angels smoothed things over beforehand. I have this image of him yelling at Mary across the living room, “That better be the lord almighty!” #Drama.

Anywho, our big news does involve a mating pair.

About two weeks ago we took a trip to the exotic animal show at our local fairgrounds. I knew before we left that we would be buying something. I didn’t know what but I did know that we wouldn’t escape unscathed.

There were hedgehogs, bobcats, snakes, lizards, shit-loads of birds, ferrets, and last but not least… Sugar gliders.

We bought a mated pair because we like to lie to ourselves. The idea that we might somehow recoup our investment through sale of sugar gliding offspring is just what we needed to enable our habit of poor decisions. Just like the wallaby and the rabbits, there are interesting facts about sugar gliders that I feel compelled to share.

  • Sugar Gliders look like methed-out chipmunks that are wearing a wing suit and screaming at strangers.
  • Sugar Gliders are nocturnal. Every. Goddamned. Day. Or night I guess. They hide for most of the day then run circles around a noisy metal bird cage for about forty five minutes each night around 2:00am. This is concerning to dogs who then whine and bark. At 2:00 am.
  • Sugar Gliders are noisy when mating. You might think that a prey animal whose best defense is hiding in small holes might be quiet. You would be wrong. They sound like a drunken couple humping on a balcony at a spring break hotel. I’m concerned they are going to fall to their death and/or wake the children. Thank God they don’t say actual words.
  • Sugar Gliders make a warning noise when they feel threatened that is called crabbing. It sounds like fifty cicadas crammed into a really small space. They do this randomly as shadows and large creatures cross near their cage.
  • Sugar Gliders eat something called mealworms. These are basically maggots that are killed and bottled for hand feeding to the precious little meth squirrels. I suppose hand feeding maggots to meth squirrels is better than manual stimulating potty-time for a baby wallaby but not by much. Life shouldn’t be an episode of fear factor. Speaking of which, I accidentally picked up a smashed dog turd because I thought the kids had brought a smashed walnut into the house. I only realized what I was holding after the smell floated out of the half dried turd.
  • Sugar Gliders bond with people and eventually can be put on a leash. Part of the bonding process is allowing the glider some freedom in a controlled closed space. The best controlled closed space is a two-man tent that we will be buying at Walmart tomorrow. Remember kids, the cost of a thing is never the cost of the thing. It is much more.
  • Sugar gliders bites. They bite with a small set of ice picks that double as teeth. Evolutionarily it is confusing because I’ve never noticed mangos that try to escape being eaten. Sharp teeth are for holding prey and randomly biting human owners.
  • Sugar Glider couples enjoy being named so we named ours James and Lily after the late Potters. I feel that they would have belonged to Marsupial House and been really good at Quiddich (sp?) because of their inherent flying skills.

 

So in recap: Tomorrow afternoon there will be a couple of full grown adults in a two-man tent trying to bond to a couple of meth squirrels with a handful of half-dried maggots.

Tell me more about how interesting your life is.

Oh snap. I almost forgot to share the awesome experience of James getting loose in our bedroom. Both gliders were in a small pouch and James decided that he needed to get out and explore. Judy Cornbread, our mix breed puppy, was very interested in eating the spastic treemunk and I had to leap into action to keep her separate. Supermom was wearing a glove to keep from getting bitten but had it on her left hand which was useless in a skilled movement like catching anything that moves. It was a comical few moments as we tried to lure him into the pouch without releasing the other from the exact same pouch. In the end, Supermom grabbed James with her bare hand and suffered through a couple of bites. The blood was more than a papercut but less than the chainsaw scene in Scarface.

If you are curious about Sugar Gliders, this post is for you. You’re welcome. I will try to share any other knowledge I gain from these night howling bastards.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Fun and Games with Chuck

I love arcades. I love skee-ball. I love shoot-em-up alien games with loud shaking guns and plenty of animated violence. Supermom and I often try to sneak away to something like a Dave and Buster’s establishment and waste a couple of twenty dollar bills on some electronic action.

Why do we think the kids will enjoy the same things? Why do we try to instantly create childhood experiences and ingrain a love for nostalgic things in our toddlers?

I grew to love arcades in middle school. I have never enjoyed giant animatronic mice. I always forget both of these facts and try to take my children to Chuck-E-Cheese’s – Where A Kid Can Be A Kid; And they can contract an illness…and be scarred for life by nightmares of giant mice… and get the pizza shits for the car ride home. Awesome.

Why do I go back?

I have witnessed hamsters in a cage and children in this God-forsaken house of horrors are no different. Is the entire building a homeopathic treatment for ADD? This mini-Vegas of carnival games instantly hypnotizes the most attentive of children. You might as well be leading Hellen Keller around an art museum. Look Hellen this is skee-ball do you want to play?

Why do they only want to ride the teacup and lick every new surface that they see? One of my kids wasted a half cup of tokens by cramming them into a ride that was already activated. A four dollar ride with Chuck-E-Cheese in a red roadster. Thank goodness I got a picture that looks like it was printed via carbon paper and a claw hammer. Nice.

I won’t stop my complaints there. Oh no. The tickets are the worst part. Those little inept hands always tear the one ticket sticking out of the machine into a giant triangle with half still attached.

“Why don’t I get more tickets daddy?”
“Because you are terrible at this, and every, game in this whole place.”
But because fate hates you and likes to watch you suffer, it is guaranteed that you child will hit a random jackpot for 300 tickets so they actual qualify for a prize nice enough to cause indecision.
“Do you want a spider ring or an eraser cap?”
The attendant flings out a plastic spider without verifying that you were making a “Final Answer”.
“No I think she wanted the eraser cap…”
“You have 42 tickets left…”
“How much is a noose?”

But the licking of random surfaces. This I have to include in my ranting. I have lamented this several times before because I don’t understand it.

At. All.

I keep a list of things I’ve seen them lick.

I want to scream at them, “What is broken with you? Do you have a mineral deficiency? Pica? STOP!”

Here is my current list on licking:
1) The floor
2) My arm
3) Toilet paper roll
4) A sister
5) The dog
6) The wall
7) A dirty plate
8) Two rides at Chuck-E-Cheese
9) A window
10) (Very nearly except for my intervention) A toilet seat.
11) A book
12) Their upper lip creating a half moon of chapped skin.
13) A cabinet knob on a lower kitchen cabinet
14) Sunscreen lotion
15) Bug spray

That is nowhere near comprehensive and doesn’t include anything that actually should be licked like ice cream cones or envelopes.

So if you cycle back to Chuck-E-Cheese or some similar place, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

It is totally worth it. Isn't she adorable?

It is totally worth it. Isn’t she adorable?

-Underdaddy to the rescue.