Imagine that you (or your partner) are nine months pregnant and are starting some serious contractions. The baby is on the way and there is no turning back so you head to the hospital. Then the doctor who greets you takes you into a little room and tells you anything and everything horrible that can happen to an infant. The doctor covers every angle and describes the deaths in detail; choking, SIDS, failure to thrive, falling off of objects, aspirating milk, kidney infections, dietary concerns, and being attacked by ravenous wild animals. Just as you are filled with horrible thoughts and a sense of dread, the baby crowns and is delivered into your arms. The nurses hand you a bag and a care kit and wishes you all the luck in the world but you leave knowing that you are utterly and totally alone. You are convinced that you will sit on the sidelines and be forced to witness a death spiral that is unavoidable. Congratulations my friend, you just bought a wallaby!

Over the next few days we learned several interesting wallaby facts:

1. THEY WANT TO DIE. Stress triggers panic which causes a release of toxins that can be fatal. This is what I was told so I worry about sneezing, farting, kids screaming, thunder, the dryer, and thinking too loudly. Wallabies reproduce constantly and being sacrificial is a trait that got promoted through evolution although, I’m not sure how. Maybe the wallabies who are willing to die are more passionate lovers too? I’m an engineer not an evolutionary biologist so lets keep moving.
2. THEY REQUIRE SOME MAINTENANCE. A wallaby develops in his mother’s pouch until he is ready to… not be in his mother’s pouch. During that time he eats. Logic follows that he must also poop and pee right? Where does it go? I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED BECAUSE I DID NOT. You have to rub his butthole with a wet wipe to encourage him to poop and pee. Four to five wipes should get it. It is a strange experience.
3. MALE WALLABY NAUGHTY PARTS ARE WEIRD. The berries are above the twig. Imagine your own bellybutton and its relation to the rest of your body parts. Got it? Okay now hang your testicles on your bellybutton above the penis that they serve. That is how a Wallaby is assembled but that isn’t the weirdest part. The actual penis is hinged or something. Opposable maybe? I don’t know what to call it but the damn thing has a knuckle. Maybe research will find a use in search and rescue situations for robot penis cams. Dont underestimate nature and how it can help.
4. THEY BOND SOCIALLY. He thinks we are parents and that the Diapered Dog is a sibling. He tried to climb in her non-existent pouch today and it was the cutest thing ever. The dog doesn’t know how to act.Toby hugs and snuggles against you which is fine if his man parts are not clicking around down there.
5. CATS HATE WALLABIES. I could go into a little detail here but not many people will care because we all know that cats, while cute and useful outlets for affection, are cold blooded killers who would eat all of us if they were bigger. (See Siegfried and Roy + Tiger Attack) On the plus side, the cat hasn’t slept on Supermom’s face in weeks. She is plotting something sinister.Point to Toby.
6. THEY ARE FAST AND AWESOME AT HOPPING. We let him free in the living room and he took a minute to warm up before bounding all around in circles. He got braver and faster until he crashed into the playpen and then tried to eat some paper. These things are cute as a button and dumb as a brick. Plus when they scratch their arms it does look like they want to box with someone.
7. MEN CANT CARRY WALLABIES. The place we bought him supplied us with carrying bags and bottles, etc. There is one special bag that is for carrying him long times in public. It is constructed similar to a baby carrier so I figured, “I got this.” Nope. This thing looks like I stole a dress from Michelle Duggar and sewed the top and bottom together. I expected the back to be bedazzled. It is an awesome design but not in my fashion arsenal.
8. WALLABIES WIN HEARTS. I wanted to drown him in a bucket or toss him out on the interstate for the first few days. (Not really) It wasn’t his fault it was just the hanging cloud of responsibility and the limits that he represented. Stress and panic were part of the equation but we knew that he needed his new mommy and daddy. I understood the indecision of a young mother and her dumpster baby. Alas, our hearts are too big. It has gotten better. I like him now. The girls love Toby and Don Threeto insists that the pronunciation is actually “TWO-BIAS” and she holds up two fingers to stress her point. She does not like Toby as a nickname. Everyone else wants to see Toby even though I know the unspoken reaction is a mixture of “WTF” and “That is crazy as hell.” They still want to see him and touch his ears. Point awarded to Toby for magically winning hearts.

So If you have temporary buyers remorse sometimes this post is for you. New parenting panic? You know what might help? Buying a Wallaby, I know of a good deal on one. You’re welcome.(Call me!!!)

-Underdaddy to the rescue.