I’ve never thought about how creepy it must have been at Hogwarts for the students who knew about the Basilisk. They slept each night knowing that beneath the floors of the castle a reptile made its home. A cold-blooded killer. Something that would wait for darkness and would be unleashed to slither in and seek their warm bodies. An animal that could kill you with a look. A snake.

My oldest daughter wants a snake. She held a boa at the exotic animal expo. She has been saving her money for a pink corn snake. We have an aquarium, a water dish, and even bought some crickets for her pet gecko to get a handle on how the crickets thing works. (How long they live, etc.)

This last weekend we were attending a wedding. Before attending, the girls found a rough green snake and put it in the corn snake aquarium and gave it some small crickets to eat.  They named him Severus Snake and he seemed content enough to hang out with the crickets. We figured that if Jane was still excited about having a snake then we would return Severus to the bush from where he came and go buy the pink corn snake.

The wedding was fun. It was in the second oldest Catholic church in the city and the pews were packed with family and friends. My family was enough to pack a couple of the pews and I had to sit separate in front of the girls. Keeping the four girls entertained is always a challenge and a Catholic wedding is no different. About a third of the way through the ceremony I heard a wave of giggling behind me. I turned around to see my brother doing his best to keep from laughing out loud. Prima had decided that a silent moment from the pastor/preacher/father was the perfect moment to fart. We raise them classy around here.

We danced up the reception. Electric slides. Wobble wobbles. Until my children were completely wiped out on marshmallows, dancing, and they were essentially buffing the floor with their faces because their motor skills had deteriorated to a state of circling using only their feet for locomotion. My youngest lay on her back and watched the DJ’s lighted disco ball spinning color patterns on the ceiling like a college stoner. I knew it was time to go back to the hotel.

We stayed in a hotel room with two double beds and somehow slept six people. The next morning the children woke up and told me how wonderful they thought the hotel was and how today was, “The best day of my life.” I have really set the bar low as a parent. Somehow sleeping in a crowded hotel room is the most exciting, fulfilling experience that any of them have ever enjoyed. I went out for coffee and donuts early that morning and got a coffee cup that resembled a monkey. The girls thought that was hilarious. They thought it was even more hilarious that with each drink I was “kissing” the monkey.

We left our paradise of a hotel room and went to spend the day with other family who we rarely see and who we always enjoy spending time with. The girls swam and played all day until sun burns and exhaustion wore them down. Fizzled to a nub. We hugged our way to the door and headed home down the interstate. I always want to spend more time and have more connection with my family but we are limited by time, space, and history of interaction. I know we would be great friends if given the chance and maybe in the future we will get more opportunities.

The girls passed out hard enough that Supermom and I could listen to 90’s hip hop on the radio with very little fear of turning our children into aggressive pimp crack dealers. It was an excellent ride.

We arrived back at home and entered to the usual music of a lonely cat celebrating our return. As we filtered throughout the house I am beckoned by Supermom, “Hey daddy… Did someone borrow Severus Snake?”

“Not that I know of…” Maybe we were robbed? It would be hard to distinguish from our general motif of destroyed living area.

“Well. He is somewhere besides where we left him.” She left him in a box.

“Well… Shit.”

So now we are in from a busy weekend. Tired with roadway travels and sunburns. And a snake has escaped into our house. Somewhere in these four walls is a rogue snake. I have no idea where. I looked all I cared to and I have run out of time to look before bedtime. The girls are asleep.

I understand Harry Potter’s mental anguish. Hogwarts is settling in for the night and the Basilisk is still at large. I will try and keep everyone updated on how things unfold. Needless to say, I think the pink corn snake might be put on-hold while our security measures are validated.

Also, I forgot to mention the newest evidence in my plight to establish Donna Threeto as a super villain or hero. She is really into Pokemon recently. So into it that she has worn a Pikachu outfit for three days straight. She watched all of the episodes on our DVR and has been systematically drawing pictures of all the characters. My two favorite so far are Meoweth and  Pikachu. One is a hero and one is villain. I noticed they have very different emotions.

So if your kids fart in weddings or party down to the frame, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.