As a father I have goals for my children. Mostly those goals include helping the girls avoid drugs and stripping. Naturally, whenever I am presented with evidence of my failure I like to share it here.
A few days ago I was walking from my bedroom into the hallway when one of my daughters looked up from her iPad and said, “Hey Dad! Look what I learned at school.” What do you suppose she showed me? Guess which selection (1-4) is the right answer:
- She demonstrated how to properly calculate the square root.
- She recited the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet from memory.
- She marveled at the nuance of the English language and our variety of silent consonants?
- She twerked her butt straight into the air about six inches without moving any other part of her body.
If you are having trouble with the answer it may help to know my response was, “Don’t ever do that again.”
She went back to scanning Kids YouTube on her iPad and I walked into the kitchen in a stupor. Supermom and I finished cooking dinner and I eventually pushed it out of my mind. Until we went to Walmart later the same week.
At Walmart with four kids, I was trying to organize some sort of distraction to keep the kids engaged in our walk through the store. They decided that they were a wolfpack and that each wolf needed a nickname. The first three nicknames that were selected were AlphaWolf, Fire Extinguisher, and Corn Cob. I have zero idea why Corn Cob would be a nickname and, honestly, I don’t care. The fourth nickname came from the same child who demonstrated a twerking ability; Galaxy.
I have a daughter who nicknamed herself Galaxy and is capable of twerking. Two strikes.
Then, adding insult to injury, she asked me another question, “Hey Dad! Look what I learned at school!”
“Young lady we are in a public place. So help me God if you start air humping I am burning your iPad in a bucket in the backyard.”
“You’re so funny Daddy! It’s not a dance. I learned how to do this…”
She proceeded to hold her left hand out in front of her with her palm facing up. Shining to heaven. Under the judgement of countless angels and dead relatives.
Then with her right hand she started moving it back and forth over the left palm. Almost as if she had an invisible stack of playing cards and was distributing them to a group of people crowded around in front of her.
Dear baby Jesus.
She is making it rain…
For my readers who are of a more mature generation allow me to explain what “making it rain” means. When rap stars and athletes go to strip clubs with their new-found fortunes they shower strippers with a barrage of dollar bills. Some much money is trickling down on the naked entertainers that they feel like it is raining. Fun fact – that picture at the top of the article is called a “Cash Cannon” and is for the purpose of shooting one dollar bills at your stripper. It is the most American thing I have ever seen. We even automate payment to our strippers. Merica A.F.!
That’s right. Strike three. Girl who enjoys dancing, calls herself Galaxy, and already understands the universal sign for making it rain. My parenting stock is taking a market hit this week. I think I need to read her more Dr Suess before bed or something.
If you have children who are picking up skills that you are pretty sure they don’t need, this post is for you. You’re welcome. Stay tuned because next time I will be sharing a story that includes looking at a butthole under a blanket with a flashlight. Fun times.
-Underdaddy to the rescue.