Reality is truly stranger than fiction. My only hope is that I document all this craziness and get to turn it into a five season family comedy sitcom where I am played by an actor who is really close to my likeness, like Taylor Lautner.
Today would be an excellent episode. Here is the rundown…
It is universal bath night. Everyone in the house except the squirrel will be bathed tonight. We have a system for the girls now that they can all shower. It works because I stand near the bathroom and shout like a drill sergeant telling the children when to switch. If they are left to their own discretion then the hot water will last for about one child. They think of showering of more like talking in a warm rainstorm and less like a deliberate effort to get clean. I constantly think, “Oh my God what are you doing there are only two steps in this puzzle. 1) Wash Hair. 2) Wash Body. Then get out and move on with your life!”
A common theme is for the child who is waiting to get in the bath to suddenly decide that they have to pee right this second; or on super lucky occasions, that they have to poop. This was a pee day. One of my children, who will remain anonymous, jumped on the toilet to pee while I was helping the youngest child out of the shower. I suddenly felt a spattering on my leg. I looked over to see my child trying, as hard as she could, to pee really fast. This voluntary spike in pressure caused a change in the angle of the stream and somehow she peed down my entire leg and on two of the towels in the floor while sitting squarely on the seat. I doubt that Bill Nye or Neil DeGrasse Tyson could explain the physics for this anomaly on a whiteboard. Maybe the scientists of CERN will discover a discrete urinary tractive force hidden inside the Higgs Boson. Who knows?
Much like someone who has seen aliens or Bigfoot, I know I saw pee move in a sine wave pattern and soak my leg. True story.
For those of you who wonder if the infamous Don Threeto still has her cold calculated magic, I present the following story.
A few nights ago Supermom was drying hair after a different universal bath night. Don Threeto had just finished having her hair dried and to promote good hair health, Supermom trimmed off some split ends.
DT: Mommy! Mommy! Can I have that hair? (pointing at the floor)
SM: Um, sure.
DT: Im going to put it in a bag for the hair fairy.
SM: Oh, Is that like the Tooth Fairy?
DT: Yes but for hair.
SM: Makes sense.
So Don Threeto takes her hair trimmings and disappears into the kitchen. She reemerges a few minutes later with a ziplock full of split ends. Bath time became bedtime and the hair was placed under her pillow. I would like to make a note here that all four of the children were extremely tired from a weekend of running and playing outside. They all fell deep asleep in about twenty minutes which is record time. Supermom and I stayed up a little while but we were tired too and soon went to bed. At around 7:00 I woke up after my third snooze alert and I immediately went to wake the children up. I found them all in a deep sleep and hesitant to get out of bed. No one seemed to have moved throughout the night.
At this point I had forgotten about the Hair Fairy care package. Then I heard Don Threeto call out, “IT WORKED!”
I’ll be damned if she didn’t walk into my room holding a fistful of change. While I can’t imagine why a magical fairy would break-and-enter for hygienic trimming and why this same creature would leave forty nine cents of change, I couldn’t figure any scenario to explain how the money got under the pillow. Her surprise looked genuine and the rest of the gang aren’t that good at lying. The older two would have wanted credit immediately. The youngest would have probably eaten the hair trimmings and flushed the money down the toilet.
Deep down I know that Don Threeto is an unflappable gangster. I’m sure the Hair Fairy ruse was a creative cover to siphon money out of a sister’s piggy bank. Another brilliant scheme by the future leader of the free world. I’m kind of proud at her thought process. Strategic as hell.
If you have the challenge of a deep thinking mastermind, this post is for you. You’re welcome.
-Underdaddy to the rescue.