They say that serial killers practice on animals to perfect their methods before starting with people. I wonder if the same can be said for gangsters. I noticed that Halbert the Penguin had been quiet lately and I wondered what he was up to. After all, a penguin who doubles as a pillow should be fairly popular and indeed he was until a few weeks ago.

It was early in the evening and I was playing “Where is that smell of puppy shit coming from?” and I ventured upstairs. There was no doubt I had located the puppy pile but something in the corner of the room caught my eye. Halbert the Penguin. He had clearly crossed someone very important and received his revenge.

I’ve never seen the damage from a chocolate milk shotgun. So violent. So much apparent suffering and carnage. All I can say is that I hope it was Qwik.

Come on people. Three paragraphs to set up a weak pun. Qwik… Chocolaty drink?  I am proud of myself.

 

Summer is in full swing around the Underdaddy lair. The kids have been doing loads of fun summer things. Swimming, horseback riding, playing iPads. The kind of things that all red blooded Americans should do. There are a couple of other things too…

Collecting lizard eggs. I hope they are lizard eggs. Mamaw swears they are. Bold statement Mamaw, I hope you are right.

Throwing sleeping tantrums. Lady Bug has taken to laying down in the middle of stores for a quick recharge during shopping trips. I’m sure that some point in my past I would have been concerned about hygiene and third party opinions. Ehh.

We ate at a good pizza place. Pizza Rev. It works like subway but for pizzas and at the end of the line they oven fire the pizzas really fast. I’ve never seen a fast food pizza that is fresh made but they pulled it off. They have some sort of Oreo desert pizza that I think will get obesity levels near 90% if the word gets out on how delicious it is.

Supermom is still sending me fun texts during the day. I got this gem a few days ago. Have I mentioned that my entire parenting goals have been distilled into making sure the girls do anything besides drugs and prostitution? Yeah that is where I have the bar right now.

Oh I almost forgot. Supermom got to snuggle a baby yesterday. My nephew, you can call him Keanu. We had the family together and realized girls outnumbered the boys about 6 to 1. Little Keanu was snugly enough that I’m sure it stimulated some womanly hormone and we will have a new pet in a week or so. I’m glad we took care of the baby issue.

Anyway, that is my life over the past couple of weeks. Just living in fast forward in a house that stays destroyed and with kids who have gotten their last four baths via chlorine pool. Winning.

If you are trying to keep up with a speedy summer, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.