I have figured out this whole sad-over-the-loss-of-a-pet thing. I am officially getting a mated pair of sea turtles. Maybe “unofficially” because stealing sea turtles might be illegal. Minor detail. Either way, I’m doing it. Here is why.

I’m tired of pets with short lifespans dying and leaving an empty hole in my feelings. Therefore, I plan on turning the tables on nature by selecting something with serious longevity. The way I have it figured I will get the turtles when they are just finishing adolescence and ready to start a family. They can have a few kids and all of those bastards can watch me age. With a lifespan of up to two hundred years I will appear to wither like an old grape. Then, when they are still at the ripe old age of fifty, bam, I’ll just kick the bucket. Mommy turtle Shonda will tap daddy turtle on the shell and say, “Look at the human, Theodore. He doesn’t look so well.”

She’ll be right. I will be dead as a hammer in my little padded bed.

Then there will be this sad family of turtles who console each other by saying things like, “He lived a good life.” And “He was like part of the family.” Maybe even, “Why do people have such short lives but love so deeply?” or “It’s good he went when he did, he looked so uncomfortable.”

I wonder if my turtles will cremate me and put me in a wooden box with a fancy inscription. I hope so. And God help the clumsy turtle that knocks my ashes over and lets the family cat pee on them like on Meet The Family. I would haunt the entire flotilla of turtles. (I feel like a group of turtles should be a flotilla.) I would then attempt to possess the disrespectful cat and make it cross the street but it probably wouldn’t work. Cats are sinister and masters of mind control. That brings me to my next point… I am 90% certain that cats are the “Highlander” of pets.

Every time one of our pets die I swear the cat glows a little and vibrates as she absorbs another creature’s life force.

She is going to live forever on the souls of things we can’t keep alive. I’m pretty sure at twelve, Biscuit was living on borrowed time so the cat probably didn’t gain much from that. Cats are chi vampires.

If you ever miss your pets and try to think of ways to avoid feeling crappy, this post is for you. In case you missed the news, my diapered dog died today. As you can see from reading above your wise pet choices are turtles, life sucking cats, or exotic birds. For the record, I like our cat. Even if she is pure distilled selfishness salted with evil. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.