In the blockbuster movie “Men In Black” featuring world renown actor and ear model Will Smith, there exists a tiny device called the neuralizer. This magic crossbreed between a wand and a flashlight has the power to erase the memory of any subject leaving a blank slate for the next few seconds allowing the interviewer to insert new happy memories. What a magical tool.
Sometimes I daydream about owning a neuralizer and using it immediately after speaking a string of harsh truths. There are so many things that I want to say just as a relief. I don’t want to say it to them as much as at them.
I have asked several people this question and the answer is usually word-for-word identical. Multiple view points, cultural backgrounds, and stages of life but still the general emotion seems to be the same.
Question: What is the one mean thing that you wish you could say, at least once, just to get it out?
Answer: Shut the fuck up.
Every. Time. I have to admit my inner voice has thought this more than once.
-When they are supposed to be going to bed but are talking.
-When they keep asking the same questions on a road trip.
-When they are gushing embarrassing details to complete strangers.
-When they are asking their mother for a refill of juice while she holds a dead animal and sobs. (Who hasn’t been there? Am I right?)
Just once to be able to lovingly embrace them and whisper, “Shut the f*$% up.” Followed immediately by a bright flash and then I say, “I love you sweet child. Sleep soundly tonight.” We both would smile and all would be right with the world.
Other times in life I think I would use the device on myself. For example…
Not chocolate. Totally got you.
I know Supermom would go for a memory erase right about here…
I’m not sure that bleach works on grout? It just seems like there would be gaps for poop particles.
If you ever needed a neuralizer, this post is for you. Sleep deprivation seems to do a good job of erasing most things but it takes time. You’re welcome.
-Underdaddy to the rescue.
Underdaddy 
Hahah man I lost it at “ear model.”
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I thought that was a nice addition.
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This is a golden post among posts. So many points made.
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Wouldn’t it be sweet to have one of those things? And not just for half of what you did in college.
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Poop Patrol. I don’t miss it. But I might be brought out of retirement to join it again. I have a grandson now and Grandmas usually become babysitters for date nights for the parents. Grandkids gotta love ’em! 🙂
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You get to load them up with sugar and send them home for the explosions. You will probably be fine. 🙂
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I had one child who came home from first grade wearing different underwear than when she left the house that morning. Freaked me out. So I called the school – and learned that the nurse kept a supply of various sized undies for both boys and girls just in case. Turned out my little sweetie had a poop accident in the classroom. I think we all wish we could forget that one!
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That would be traumatic. I bet you went momma bear for a few minutes!
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You better believe it. Especially since it was just a few days after I read a story about some day care provider who was running a child porn business out of the day care site, using her clients as unwitting stars.
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Humans are just the best aren’t they.
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St. Underdaddy and St. Supermom for not losing it during all those times. Seriously. The poop…nasty! Just gagged a little.
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Only a little? I wish I could share the smell.
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Ewwwwwwwww
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Wouldn’t it be nice…
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I actually wrote a blog post last year about wanting to say those exact words to my children on so many different occasions, but I never posted it because I censor the crap out of myself and thought it made me sound like a horrible mother. As it turns out, I’m just a normal mother who thinks those beautifully therapeutic words and has the self-control to not say them out loud, even though I might be shouting them in my head. The struggle is real. Oh, and when my daughter was ten months old, she had a horrible blow out in her diaper as we were driving home. I had to pull over in a parking lot to change her because she was scooping diarrhea off her leg and eating it. The kid wouldn’t eat peas, but she was lapping up her own shit. I was dry heaving the entire time I was changing her and wiping her down in the back of my car. Good times.
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That is an awesome story. I want to share that story. I hope you have given that gift to the world.
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I haven’t! It’s amazing what you just chalk up as gross parenting experiences until something triggers your memory and you realize how funny it can be.
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It made me gag so you should definitely share.
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LOL!
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