Month: February 2016

The Blurting

Apparently I am going to have to become a better parent. Playing to the crowd isn’t working because my children keep throwing me under the bus.

It is one thing for strangers to question me when my child tells them point blank, “We didn’t buy this gift. It is an old one from mamaw’s house” but to start telling the grandparents strange things… that is going too far. I need someone in my corner when I am on the witness stand. This is the latest adventure in Kids-Say-The-Darndest-Things.

We have had a hectic holiday season and this past weekend was the first time we have been able to gather with part of our family on the opposite side of the state. Our long road trip must have given the children lots of time to reflect on embarrassing things to say. The visit started at a high school basketball game and the girls ran excitedly to Papaw and Lelee. Hugs and kisses and smiles bounced around. Aunt Kaykay was cheerleading and there were lots of sights and sounds that were distracting for the girls.

Leave it to old reliable Prima to hang me out to dry.

 

Prima: Hey Lelee…

Lelee: Yes?

Prima: Do you have any old things that we can have?

Me: *facepalm*

Lelee laughed and I just braced myself for the rodeo of random discussions that would make me look like a terrible person. Luckily, Lelee is understanding and tried to steer the conversation around to something that makes me look less like a crappy dad.

Lelee: So have you seen a basketball game before?

Prima: Oh yes! This is the third basketball game that I have seen.

Lelee: Oh really! What other games did you go see?

Prima: I didn’t go see them. They were on TV. One was Space Jam and the other was a man shooting basketballs on Henry Danger. Henry was in trouble and needed to …. (Insert thirty minutes of minute detail about a show that I’m sure Lelee didn’t know existed) But I have never been to a real game like this… We don’t go many places.

Me: You go places all the time!?

Prima: Yeah but we don’t go outside much. (She was staring at the halogen lights and only vaguely aware that she was still talking.) You don’t take us many places.

-sigh-

I never know what is going to come out of her mouth. Five minutes later that held true yet again.

The animal that represents this particular high school is a dragon. The cheerleaders were standing in front of a wall with a large mural of a dragon. Prima’s ADHD has focused her on the painting and she starts talking to Jane who is watching Aunt Kaykay.

 

Prima: Are they the dragons?

Jane: Yes

Prima: (pointing at the mural but appearing to point at a taller cheerleader) Oh man, that is a fat dragon!

Jane: Hahaha! Fat DRAGONS!

 

Sooooo, inside of ten minutes, my children revealed that we a) don’t have any material belongings, b) don’t allow them to venture into the sunlight, and c) teach them to ridicule people they don’t know.

If you have a continuing list of things that you have to explain, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

Facebook World Champion

We all want to be liked. We all crave connection and mental stimulation. There is a good feeling from finding like-minded people and agreeing on the same ideas in thousands of different ways. My girls are starting to ask questions about the functions of social media and how they can subscribe to things like Facebook and engage in comments. Peace be with us all…

That got me thinking. What guidance can I give my children regarding success in our social media world? Is there a virtual cheat sheet that will ensure their social success?

I think so.

I have compiled a partial list of things that are more awesome than a stubbed toe or lemon juice in an open wound. Things that are absolutely required for a happy Facebook life. These are the ten types of posts that make me giddy as a schoolgirl. These posts are more enjoyable than projectile vomiting in a public bathroom and because we are in an election season they have a political lean.

  1. If you support (x), unfriend me now. – Who doesn’t like defining friendship by a single, hard line in the sand. I know I do. My line is Green Jolly Ranchers. Which side are you on?
  2. Political analogy (so these simple minded bastards might finally understand that my opinion is correct) – Thank goodness for your meme with that funny looking girl who looks confused. I was unsure of why I was an idiot but you cleared it up perfectly.
  3. If (x) wins the election then I am moving to (y). – That will show them. Nevermind trying to set an example and influencing others by positive action. Nope, just getting the fuck outta Dodge (F.O.D.) is probably the better move.
  4. Look! Look! This person says they have these values but then they did this. – Also in the news, Humans are Human. More details at 6 o’clock.
  5. Share if you support (x). – You can’t be totally sure that someone supports something unless they are willing to put their entire reputation on the line by hitting share. Like is passive. It says “I see what you got there.” But a share, my God, that is an endorsement if there ever was one. It is an undeniable oath that I’m sure will earn a high five from St. Peter at the pearly gates. “I noticed you lived a questionable life but then again… you did share every single post that requested an affirmation of faith sooooo, I guess we are good here. Come on in!”
  6. Read this terrible story and get just as mad as I did about it. – I know you want to read funny quotes and cat pictures but there is an awful story that can ruin your day and put you in a really shitty mood so just click on over and be angry with me.
  7. Check out this fake post with a click bait title. Ha Ha. Share. – Totally got you. Lane Kiffin isn’t sleeping with Nick Saban after all. If you keep the lie going then you just pass the stigma to the next victim and you feel less like an idiot.
  8. Take this quiz. – Are you smart/pretty/nice/serial killer? Probably not. Oh wait… It says you are! Show your friends!
  9. You won’t believe this… – Usually an article that can be filed in the Duh category. Like, New research says men are more likely to have inactive nipples.
  10. Lists of ten things that need to stop. Right. Now. – #forreals #lovethissohard

 

If you love these types of posts then this is for you. You’re welcome. Some of them are like cupcakes, I know I shouldn’t eat them up but for some reason I still do and I hate myself later. Maybe my daughters will be ninjas in the dark art of negativity.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.