Facebook World Champion

We all want to be liked. We all crave connection and mental stimulation. There is a good feeling from finding like-minded people and agreeing on the same ideas in thousands of different ways. My girls are starting to ask questions about the functions of social media and how they can subscribe to things like Facebook and engage in comments. Peace be with us all…

That got me thinking. What guidance can I give my children regarding success in our social media world? Is there a virtual cheat sheet that will ensure their social success?

I think so.

I have compiled a partial list of things that are more awesome than a stubbed toe or lemon juice in an open wound. Things that are absolutely required for a happy Facebook life. These are the ten types of posts that make me giddy as a schoolgirl. These posts are more enjoyable than projectile vomiting in a public bathroom and because we are in an election season they have a political lean.

  1. If you support (x), unfriend me now. – Who doesn’t like defining friendship by a single, hard line in the sand. I know I do. My line is Green Jolly Ranchers. Which side are you on?
  2. Political analogy (so these simple minded bastards might finally understand that my opinion is correct) – Thank goodness for your meme with that funny looking girl who looks confused. I was unsure of why I was an idiot but you cleared it up perfectly.
  3. If (x) wins the election then I am moving to (y). – That will show them. Nevermind trying to set an example and influencing others by positive action. Nope, just getting the fuck outta Dodge (F.O.D.) is probably the better move.
  4. Look! Look! This person says they have these values but then they did this. – Also in the news, Humans are Human. More details at 6 o’clock.
  5. Share if you support (x). – You can’t be totally sure that someone supports something unless they are willing to put their entire reputation on the line by hitting share. Like is passive. It says “I see what you got there.” But a share, my God, that is an endorsement if there ever was one. It is an undeniable oath that I’m sure will earn a high five from St. Peter at the pearly gates. “I noticed you lived a questionable life but then again… you did share every single post that requested an affirmation of faith sooooo, I guess we are good here. Come on in!”
  6. Read this terrible story and get just as mad as I did about it. – I know you want to read funny quotes and cat pictures but there is an awful story that can ruin your day and put you in a really shitty mood so just click on over and be angry with me.
  7. Check out this fake post with a click bait title. Ha Ha. Share. – Totally got you. Lane Kiffin isn’t sleeping with Nick Saban after all. If you keep the lie going then you just pass the stigma to the next victim and you feel less like an idiot.
  8. Take this quiz. – Are you smart/pretty/nice/serial killer? Probably not. Oh wait… It says you are! Show your friends!
  9. You won’t believe this… – Usually an article that can be filed in the Duh category. Like, New research says men are more likely to have inactive nipples.
  10. Lists of ten things that need to stop. Right. Now. – #forreals #lovethissohard

 

If you love these types of posts then this is for you. You’re welcome. Some of them are like cupcakes, I know I shouldn’t eat them up but for some reason I still do and I hate myself later. Maybe my daughters will be ninjas in the dark art of negativity.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

10 comments

  1. My FB sins include: excessive photo documenting of my rabbit (I know) travel check-ins (ugh), posting pictures of myself in yoga poses (the worst). I don’t know how to negotiate social media without being a horrible person. If your children figure it out, please clue me in.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Things my rabbit has eaten recently: the cord to my alarm clock, a section of navy blue paint the size of a trash can lid from the wall of my bedroom, a good piece of my yoga mat. I always tell people it’s like living with the world’s most adorable vandal.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ninjas in the dark art of negativity- I love that!! Nobody would know about ground breaking research on men not having inactive nipples if not for fbookers.
    I’d say fb is getting ridiculous. I’m sort of done with that, but sometimes just have to check in for a look-see. 😜

    Liked by 1 person

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