Post Christmas 2015

Christmas break is when the kids really hit their stride. Fresh off of a two day high of snacks and presents and family being too busy to watch what they are into, they are in full Tony Montana mode. Snorting crushed life savers from a cardboard box that looks like a book. “I’m INVICIBLE!!” Shooting each other with Nerf arrows and standing on everything that is breakable/crushable. A rampage of sugar and making it rain with handfuls of tiny toys. An Atlanta night club where my youngest just screams a Little John inspired “YEAH” to every question. These kids are out of control.

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Slowly breaking down the organized nature of presents.

I sit back on the couch unable to move from physical exhaustion and think. My god, if they ever win the lottery they will probably buy everyone in the trailer park an above ground inflatable pool and water their potted plants with Miller High Life. They give zero shits what you think. Hell my first kid had an involuntary mullet until she was three. She looked like the tow truck driver from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. My parenting is trending the wrong direction. I have to turn it around and make a strong showing in 2016.

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Lady Bug has worn this helmet for 75% of all hours since Christmas morning.

Christmas is the perfect holiday to tee up the New Year’s resolutions.

Eat too much = Diet

Buy Kids Too Much = Manage Money and Plan

Buy a Pile of Gifts and all they want is for you to play with them = Vow to be a more involved parent.

A similar strategy to Mardi Gras before Lent. Except you don’t vow to stop drinking and having strange sex after Christmas is over. Although, I think last year I vowed to start drinking and have a vasectomy after our Christmas holiday. Ahhh, precious memories.

New Years is around the corner. I have some resolutions that I am considering:

1) Lose some weight. (I know right? It is time though and there are no food critical holidays for about a month)

2) Ride my bike from Santa Claus at least twice a week

3) Finish the book I have been incubating in my head. I am working on getting the story down and it is broken and can change still but progress is being made. Props to ConCru for pushing me. Or being liars and convincing me that I might could do something like this.

4) Make out with my smoking hot wife. Lots. This goals should be higher on the list actually. I’m not sure on the losing weight but I do want to make-out.

5) Help the girls finish some farm stories. They are stories written by children that might not be for sensitive children. I’m not sure it would sell but maybe. Their stories about how some animals die and others attack you might not get optioned by the Early Readers series. But you never know.

6) Oh yeah, we are also going to try and not kill any animals this year. My dog is old and might not make it but maybe a few months of relative calm will be helpful.

If you have some resolutions, this post is for you. You’re welcome. Leave me a resolution in the comments.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

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