After a long day of shopping through swirling masses of people suffering from “holiday handicap” I like to come home and unwind. By unwind, I mean to treat my migraine and watch pointless television. Tonight I started with Tiny House Nation. A show that completely perplexes me. I get the allure of living in an efficient and compact place. Respecting your environment. Minimizing your carbon footprint… yada yada.

The entire house is often the size of my living room. Three or more people stand around for the entire episode honestly discussing living in a broom closet. I watch in amazement as no one ever asks the questions that I am thinking. Here is my list of questions for people who are looking into living in a tiny home.

1. How do you plan to deal with your entire house smelling like shit after a night of take-out from Taco Bell? Two Double Stuffed Gorditas and some Cinatwists… loving that 134 square feet of hippie-ass closeness?
2. Why don’t you just buy a truck with a camper top and shower at a truck stop?
3. If the stove directly beneath you catches on fire, how fast can you get down from the loft bed? Follow-up question; Do you know how fast you can die from smoke inhalation?
4. How do you get that mattress down to clean all the cracker and cookie crumbs out of it?
5. Where will you put the DVD collection that you totally plan to watch but never get around to watching?
6. Seriously, the only thing between you and your pooping partner is a plastic divider. Is your relationship and libido strong enough to survive the painful groans of dropping a very audible scat flavored deuce? You can hear the splash all the way in the kitchen. There is literally no escape. Think about that before your back your truck (which costs as much as the house) up to the hitch and pull away in your prison on wheels.

I can only imagine that a family of six, living in an apartment they can barely afford, want to stab you in the eyeball for worrying incessantly about your decision to spend $70k on 97 Square feet of mobile reconditioned barnwood. We consider sustainability in a home that is frequently relocated by nothing less than a Ford F350 Diesel. Meanhwile in Africa some communities living in mud houses and burn dried feces to boil water. This is why other countries hate us.

I need a show that features a week in the life of these couples about a year into their decision. Statistics say 60% are divorced and 40% are stabbed to death on Taco Tuesday.

If you dream of a tiny house, this post is for you. Answer those questions for me.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.