Gotcha Sucker!

Her strategic thinking always amazes me. Don Threeto, my resident gangster and third youngest girl, has shown me that she has the long term planning skills necessary to be truly diabolical. She recently put in place a plan that took months to fully develop. Sitting here this morning I realized that a string of seemingly unrelated events were, in fact, related and very purposeful.

If you read any of my stories with “Threeto” in the title you can see how she sets the bar for military level strategy. Let’s take a stroll through the ‘unrelated events’ and reveal the truth.

  • She has convinced me she enjoys physical violence. She likes games like Face-Punch and How-Hard-Can-You-Punch-Me. I find her with a red eye or a bloody nose and when the other three would be squealing like baby piglets, Threeto insists that her injuries are normal and nothing happened. She has looked me dead in the eye with one eye swollen shut and said, “I feel fine. I don’t know what you are talking about.” What I learned -> She is tough.
  • This child licks every surface that she can get her face near. She chews on her toys. She insists on stealing her younger sister’s pacifier. Why would someone have such a disregard for germs? I mean, I have literally blocked her face from licking a toilet seat at the last second. I thought it was just habitual because she acts like a puppy a lot of the time and holds her “paws” up to her chest and licks things. This behavior is a ruse. What I learned -> She wants to be sick.
  • At the same time, she is attempting to keep illness from her sisters. She insists on being first to open the door, she tries to hoard all the toys (after licking them), and she steals all the pacifiers. I thought she was being very selfish but my new theory is that -> She doesn’t want her sisters to get sick.


So why would these discoveries be important?

Well, two nights ago The Don is obviously not feeling well. She isn’t running in circles in the living room or sitting up on the couch. Usually, she is standing on the back of the couch so laying on it was strange. She had a small fever and complained of a sore throat. Everyone has had trouble with fall allergies so I thought that was all she had going on. I gave her a little Mortin to help with the sore throat and as soon as her throat felt better she hit the roof and was back to her old self. I thought in the back of my mind that it might be Strep so I asked her if she though she should go to the doctor. I expected a “no” because what child wants to go to the doctor’s office? She said, “Yeah probably”. Hmmm.

We also needed some things from the store. (I go to Wal-Mart 6 out of 7 days in a week) I decided she could ride to the store with me and I could decide on the way which direction we should go. We talked about it for a minute.

“So you want to go to the doctor?”


“Why? Do you want a shot?”


“You understand what I mean right?”


“Do you want to go to Walmart?”

“Yeah but after the doctor.”

I wasn’t convinced. There was an unnatural desire for medical intervention and I didn’t believe her. We went to Walmart.

The next day she continued to lay around and feel less than awesome. I loaded her up and we went to the walk-in clinic. She was a chatterbox at check-in.

Great. Wasting a co-pay here. The nurse checked her temperature.

98.1. Awesome. I have been duped again.

The doctor came in and seemed to have her doubts but we did a throat swab. Threeto hates feeling out of control or overpowered, which makes total sense for an alpha criminal mastermind. She let me hold her arms while the nurse swabbed her throat and tears ran down her face but she never fought it once. I was impressed. Speechless. The test came back positive for Strep and we got a prescription for antibiotics. Then the truth was set free.

The compassionate nurse was so impressed with Threeto’s strength and resolve that she wanted to reward her. “Would you like a sucker for being so good?”

The heavens opened and a smile spread across her face. A diabolical smile that said, “My plan has succeeded! Hahahahaha!” Although, being an expert in deception, she merely smiled and said, “Yes please.” She held the sucker like an Olympic Gold Medal. She marveled in the reward of all her hard work.

Threeto is a force to be reckoned with. She knew that in a household of crying and estrogen fueled complaining, she would need to stand out as tough so when she was sick we would notice. Then she knew she had to get sick if she had any hope of reaching her sucker and sticker utopia. We are forever telling the kids not to lick things because of germs so she deduced that getting sick required licking. Then she ensured her victory by keeping the illness from the other sisters. If one of them went to the doctor first then she may not get rewarded for her hard work.


I think we may negotiate a deal on suckers and stickers. Regular payments for protecting herself from sickness. The Godfather made his start providing protection to people in exchange for payments. She has taken it to the extreme by blackmailing me using her own health. She may be the most powerful leader in history.

The Gandhi of gangster.

If you are outsmarted, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.


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