Parenting is a lot like third world prison. It changes a man. I used to stand in awe of “New and Improved” products. Now I wonder if some improvements are actually necessary.

Take the example of high strength or super performance products. Someone may wonder things like, “If streak-free Windex is available why would people even bother with a lesser product?” The parent will know that children run headlong into sliding glass doors and plate glass windows. They actually benefit from visible streaks. Birds aren’t the only clean glass victims.

Can I please have something that sanitizes but smears in a light haze?

Are we shielding our children too much?

An evolutionary purist may point to “natural selection” and a “learning process”. To those people, I present my next example of unnecessary excellence – Instant Bond Super Glue. Basically, a chemical mixture that sets in a flash when exposed to moisture. I can see where this could go wrong with a child. Can you? Ever had a cat’s ass glued shut? Elmer’s glue is sounding pretty superior now huh?

The more I look, the more I notice. Charmin seems to advertise new toilet paper rolls each week that are twice as long and twice as thick.

How is this a good thing? I think my children have a ritual of jamming a new roll of TP in the toilet after each pee while totally avoiding using a single square properly. I wonder to myself if Cavemen dads fussed about how many leaves the Cave-children wasted? I think a fake rubber roll of TP that can be rinsed and placed back on the edge of the tub would be awesome. Real parents know why I said “edge of the tub” and that is because there is a 90% chance that the kids have broken the toilet paper holder.

Guess what wonder product I saw advertised today? Extra strength Sharpies.

*raises hand*

Question: Sharpies are also known as permanent markers, right? This tells me that they are effective as-is. Who was slipping comments in the box that said things like;

“Permanent goes by so fast. Can you make some Forever markers?

Yours truly,
Some Asshole”

My fourth child paints her entire body with chalk, markers, and ink pens whenever she gets the opportunity. Thank you Sharpie, for removing my fear of her suffering pain from a tattoo. Now she can just color herself with a misplaced super-marker and live the rest of her life like a Monarch butterfly hybrid. I feel like I am watching someone drowning when she takes a bath, like the victim is just out of reach and I am screaming unhelpful suggestions; “Keep your head up. Stop drinking the water – it is dirty. You can’t breathe if you are underwater.”

I put my thinking cap on and came up with some miracle products of my own. I know parents everywhere will thank me.

TEN MIRACLE PRODUCTS PARENTS WILL LOVE

1. Stair-a-chute: Instantly deployable parachute for children who fall off of stairs, chairs, and level ground.
2. Solar powered Toys: Those noise making toys can now push you to the edge of sanity and into a plastic smashing frenzy. No longer can you hide things in the garage until the battery dies.
3. Ultra-bright Kool-Aid: Unimaginably bright colors that also add a little bit of alkalinity to the juice so the cup is extra slippery.
4. Super-tall Three-legged Bar Stools: They look really challenging to climb. They are.
5. Frictionless Pledge Hardwood Floor Polish: Somewhere between magnetic levitation and a greasy cookie sheet, this product defies physics by launching children into the ground faster than gravity can actually accelerate them.
6. Super-lather Body Soap with Convenient Flip Top: Because if a child is going to coat their entire body with soap for fun, they might as well be the cleanest thing on the planet when it is all said and done.
7. Extra-Long Shoe Laces – Children can display their rugged individuality by dragging multi-colored trip wires of death behind them.
8. Mechanical Advantage Scissors – New compound fulcrum, razor sharp edges, and increased pointiness to make sure anything in its path is instantly severed with a minimum of effort or warning.
9. Pin-Free Hand Grenades – For those self-defense moments that call for shrapnel but you don’t have time to fritter away pulling a pin. Just touch and go.
10. Instant Touch-powered Disposable Lighters – The warmth of a finger should be all that is necessary to summon a flame. Now you don’t have to waste all that energy spinning a steel wheel against a flint.

If you work yourself into a frenzy over child safety around common everyday products, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

Feel free to add your own super-products to the list.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.