Dehydrated Water Balloons – For Real

`We went for a play date with the kids over the weekend and I was inspired. I experienced an invention so great that I am considering writing a recommendation to the Nobel Prize committee. Ladies and gentlemen I give you….. Dehydrated Water Balloons.


Top five inventions – in order – (1) Fire, (2) Underwear, (3) Wheels, (4) Breasts, (5) Dehydrated Water Balloons.

Let me explain. An inventor who is most likely the love child of Thomas Edison and Mother Teresa (and thereby part of a race of time-travelers) took the female end of a water hose, attached fifty tiny straws, and placed water balloons on each one with a rubber band. Simply attach to the end of a water hose and turn the hose on. Slowly fill the balloons and once they are large enough just shake the hose and they all fall off into a bucket. Tip: Fill them in a tub of water so they are neutrally buoyant and don’t do it over grass because the blades might bust them when they fall off.

This could have changed my entire childhood. Think of the skill our military would have at throwing grenades if childhood practice had been this easy. World Peace. That is where we would be. The fear of ultra-accurate long distance grenadiers would crush all rebellion and defiance. Trees would hug us because of all the fucking world peace.

Sorry. I got carried away. What a weird thought, being crushed to death by a giant oak tree that doesn’t respect personal space. Moving on.

Suffice it to say, it was an awesome water balloon war this weekend. I took the inspiration and channeled it into my common everyday problems. Two days later I was sitting around the living room and thinking to myself. I spend a lot of time getting these little hellions juice. I don’t spend nearly as much time getting the pets liquids. At first I took the obvious route and thought about pouring a gallon of Sunny D in a bowl. The only two issues could fathom were accidental spillage and someone pooping in the open air bowl.

Back to the drawing board.

Then lightning struck! Rodents drink and pee constantly without regard to social situations. So do my kids. What works for rodents might also work for them. The Sunny D Spigot was born.

Notice the careful placement of the duct tape.

Notice the careful placement of the duct tape.

Now they can self-hydrate on the go.

The best inventions are simple and effective.

The best inventions are simple and effective.

Take that Dehydrated Water Balloon Man! Im so bright that my mother calls me son. Im so radiant that my children wear sunglasses indoors.

I am blown away by my father's ingenuity!

I am blown away by my father’s ingenuity!

My innovation was so inspiring that even Don Threeto took notice (beyond wearing sunglasses of course). She made an invention of her own. The Shoe Safe. Basically you take the one shoe that you can still find after Mommy buys a brand new pair and you stuff it full of cash.

This could be huge in the gansta' rap accessory market.

This could be huge in the gansta’ rap accessory market.

Thieves break into the house and see a shoe and think, “Hmmm, that is a normal household item and probably smells stinky so I will leave it alone.” Little do they know that it is full of your hard earned blood money. Winning!

If your capacity for innovation surprises the people around you, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.


  1. I feel like I shouldn’t like this because it’s taking an idea used on gerbils and applying it to humans, and yet I love it. If you made a fancy prototype in which the parent could place any juice bottle in the container, then I bet that you could actually sell it. I can see it now–Underdaddy’s Juice Spigot: what’s good enough for hamsters is good enough for children. After all, the two aren’t really that different. Well done, sir.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. She does…. sometimes. Just not around bedtime because of her headaches. But in the morning, as I’m leaving, she totally loves me. Then the kids work tirelessly to erase all good will done by the solid nights sleep. But deep down I think she tolerates me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have issues with your list of greatest things. Boobs are clearly and indisputably THE single greatest thing ever. I also gave up underwear 10 years ago, and it’s been a game changer. Unless Taco Bell is for lunch, I encourage everybody to consider giving up this most unnecessary piece of clothing that nobody outside the house ever sees anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments Welcome!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s