Today I was reminded that it is possible to love someone with an endless love and at the exact same moment, desire permission to punch them in the face. Just one good solid pop followed by a nice long snuggle. I think it would be therapeutic for both of us.

Children are walking contradictions. They are full of wonder and love but they are capable of cold blooded violence. One time my oldest actually said, “Look Daddy, awwww, it’s a frog….. Let’s kill it.” They are fearless in the face of real danger but scared of imaginary monsters. The second child will run into the street without a care in the world but let a moth into the house and she is convinced she will die. They won’t eat anything you cook for them but have zero discretion when it comes to eating everything off your plate so you can’t have it. Don Threeto said yesterday, “I hate meat! I’d rather eat bacon!” Lady Bug tries to be helpful and clean but ended up ruining our entire day.

Once again we ended up in the Emergency Room. The general story is that she watched her older sister clean the bathroom and wanted to play along. After Jane was finished Lady Bug found a towel and decided to clean the floor. She needed water for those stubborn toothpaste stains so she put her towel in the toilet. As Cinderella finished her inverse mopping she decided to run into the living room but wet tile isn’t the best for traction. She slipped backwards and hit her head on the tile.

Supermom called me at work and told me that Lady Bug seemed hazy and sleepy and wasn’t herself. I am immediately worried. Internally panicked while externally I try to stay collected. Then I was pissed. We should have stock in our healthcare system locally because we have to use the emergency services entirely too much. I think that our last name is a flag in triage because the wait is longer each time. I knew before we even went that there were only two options; 1) Lady Bug did some damage and would need something serious, or 2) As soon as we got checked in to the ER she would get her bracelet and be magically healed by the Triage Fairies.

We experienced option number two.

About one hour after receiving the call I pulled into the parking lot on two wheels and rushed inside. Across the waiting room Lady Bug smiled and was very excited to see me. Tears welled up and I just wanted to hold her. That old familiar feeling of panic and relief. It never gets better. Then I wanted to punch everyone involved. Why was she mopping the bathroom with a towel full of toilet water? Why can’t they stop running? Why don’t children listen? Where were her older sisters when they should be looking out for the baby? Why isn’t our entire house carpeted? Why do we even have water in the house? Why are they walking around anyway? That isn’t safe! They need to crawl around on all fours and slowly to avoid these situations. They need helmets and jackets and padded things. I have failed as a father.

But all is well. Lady Bug is smiling and walking in circles in the waiting area while eating some Cheezit Crackers. She is standing beside the chair next to me and drops a cracker in the seat of the chair. Before I even get the chance to pick it up, she puts her face in the chair and licks the cracker up. She licked across a good four inches of Emergency Room waiting area chair.

Do you know how many Ebola tainted farts that chair has seen?

I don’t either.

And now my child has licked it.

Never mind the toilet water mopping or the head injury. She just licked a chair in the ER. There is a man across the room with a vomit bag. There is an old man with a catheter and a chest that sounds like hail hitting a tin roof. There are people holding compression on active wounds. Parasitic pathogens at every turned and she licked the f’n chair.

In text language…Wtf, smh, fml. 

When the doctor came to check her I wanted to plead for a complete blood transfusion. I wanted to petition the nurse to change the chart. He looked her over and declared her a healthy child. Hardly. She just licked an active bio-hazard. If only he knew that in a few hours she will likely start moaning and trying to eat people’s brains. I don’t know why we even try to protect them. The kids are worse than the wallaby.

If you feel like the kids are just trying to hurt themselves. Me too. I think we’ve been here before. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.

ps. special shout-out to Geej and Mamaw for their emergency response time.