Why do kids wake up in the middle of the night? If there some kind of restlessness in their brains that says, “Hey wake up and see what is going on!”. Whatever the reason, the timing is guaranteed to be the absolute worst.

I have a fear that one day the children (or at least one child) will wake at the number one worst time of night. Mommy and daddy “alone” time.

It is a situational cliché that is the basis of many “Little Johnny” jokes and repressed childhood memories. I wonder how many children are accidental victims of such an unmentionable sight?

I can only imagine how things would unfold.

[12:01 am, Children’s Bedroom]

There is a quiet silence in the Underdaddy household. One of the children is tossing and turning only to wake and notice a rustling sound. A sound that is somewhat out of place for midnight. Perhaps they get out of bed to investigate, totally ignoring the boogey man under the bed or the dark hallway. They are, no doubt, intrigued by the curious commotion.

Once they enter the hallway they become aware that the sound is coming from the master bedroom. A mild panic builds with each step.

Are mommy and daddy okay?
Did someone leave a window open?
Are wild raccoons are ransacking their room?

Driven forward by fear for family safety, my brave child slowly and silently turns the worthless excuse for a doorknob and prepares to confront the savage animals that must have broken into the house. She edges open the door and is frozen with panic. It is worse than she could have imagined.

Bear attack. Possibly a grizzly.

This is bad. A very pale grizzly bear, beset by a terrible case of the mange with a touch of a farmers tan, is loose in the bedroom and is mauling mommy. My daughter gasps and releases the spring loaded door knob as she turns to run into the living room and hide behind the couch.

Meanwhile, in the bedroom, an intense round of Paper, Rock, Scissors delegates Daddy to venture into the living room and return the wayward child back to bed.

He assures her that; a) A wild bear has not broken into the house and b) she was hallucinating and Mommy and Daddy were playing Scrabble. HOpefully sleepiness will blend this night into a confusing mixup of dreamland memories.

The next morning will be a silent dance around an invisible elephant in the room. There will be uncomfortable looks and a popular cereal that is somehow not as magically delicious as it was the day before.

If you have been “busted”, this post is for you. You poor bastard. And you’re welcome.Just try to lock that door next time.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.