Getting fat is getting expensive. Have you tried to buy chocolate lately? Good lord. Nine dollars for a reasonable sized bag of Hershey Bars? Anything Fun-sized is a damn lie! That is a pack full of piss me off! I can barely get a three pack of King Sized Reese’s cups for under $2. What the hell man?

So many people are being misled into drinking these organic-fruit-choy-cream-steamed-latte-protein-shakes that I cant even keep up with it. They look like someone has vacuumed sucked the happiness right out of their cheeks. It is a sad trend indeed. Just the other day my oldest came home from school and requested a salad for dinner. (Face palm) What are they teaching them at school? Obviously not accounting because you cant increase your body savings if you don’t feed the beast.

Good news America. I have cracked the dietary code. You no longer have to get a second mortgage to pack on those love handles that you have been wanting. My life altering man-made snow cream recipe might change the world. That’s right snow-cream. The seasonal dessert made in the south by collecting snow and adding evaporated milk, sugar, vanilla, and other variations of ingredients to make ice cream complete with radioactive dust from the upper atmosphere. It is delicious and also the single reason anyone south of Kentucky ever requests snow.

I alone have broken the mysterious secret physics of snow. No longer do you have to turn on your TV at night and watch My 600 Pound Life on TLC while fighting the uneasy sadness in your heart because you might never achieve such gluteal greatness. Obesity will be accessible to everyone regardless of income or social standing. Be warned though, once you try this for yourself, you can never turn back. If this were Alice In Wonderland I would be handing you the “Makes You Bigger” side of the size shifting mushroom.

Are you ready? Are you salivating?

Gross.

Moving on. The secret of snow is that it started life as liquid water. True story. Using the power of heat transfer in my refrigerator I have reversed engineered the freezing process and will share it with you now.

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Psuedo-Snow Cream
1 Can of Sweetened Condensed Milk

2 Cups of Whole Milk

2 Teaspoons of Vanilla Extract
3 Cups of Liquid Water (Warm Snow)

Mix this vigorously in a large bowl that doesn’t spill during vigorous mixing. Distribute to individual plastic storage containers and place strategically under other items in the freezer. Every 45 minutes you might want to swirl them around to break up the ice crystals. Optional but helpful.

After they have frozen solid you can take one out each night after the kids have gone to bed and your spouse is asleep. Enjoy this treat like it is the last meal you will eat on death row.

I personally guarantee that your pants will be tighter in mere weeks, maybe days. For the people who feel this information is dangerous to national security I would agree. I just found it and for three weeks I havent missed a night of horking down a bowl of this dairy cocaine in the secret corners of my walk-in closet. I may need an intervention, stay tuned. This post is for everyone. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.