There are a lot of strong feelings and back-and-forth over vaccines and illness and people making bad decisions as people. I admit I have been party to this madness on more than one occasion. I’m not retracting any position or anything but I do think I have an alternate solution. Take a walk with me and let’s pave the way to the future…

This week we have been dealing with some sort of stomach/sinus/vomit plague that has the audacity to only attack a few family members at a time. It is terribly inconvenient for a family of six to have staggered sickness over a couple of weeks. It makes everything more difficult and before you know it, it seems like months of life have slipped away into stains on shirts and the living room carpet. In fact, it is terribly inconvenient for any sized family to not be sick near the same time.

Maybe there is a solution here. Let’s put together the logistics and keep an open mind.

Most illness that is common and quickly transmitted through the school and other general public networks is inconvenient but in the end, survivable. Therefore:

1. There are people who are at higher risk for serious complications so let’s set them aside. Group C.
2. Working families still need to function so if there is more than one child or parent let’s split them into group A and group B.
3. Once an illness makes itself known and pending on epidemic. Send an email to group A.
4. Group A will report to a resort called “Let’s Get The Shit Over With Island” where they will hug on, eat after, and perhaps face-lick current carriers of the disease. Eat a booger. No judging here the object is to get sick and get that shit over with.
5. Group B will visit Group A on the first day of manifested illness to become infected. Consult group A on what seemed most effective. Hopefully not booger sharing. Group B will start being sick as Group A is getting better.
6. Group A will go back to work and wait on Group B.
7. Group C will benefit from what I would like to call a herd protection via Manual Vaccination.

I figure the attendants to “LGTSOWI” could wear snazzy Hazmat suits and monitor vitals closely to improve outcomes. Also, I hereby copyright and trademark Manual Vaccination. That is an awesome term.

There are also other benefits:

1. Lower healthcare costs. Saving countless millions on co-pays to verify what we already know, being sick sucks and don’t get dehydrated.
2. More attentive care and savings by Wal-Mart principle applied to healthcare.
3. Less overall sick days taken out of the work force so productivity is up nationwide and we probably start an economic boom never witnessed in the modern age.
4. Less bitching about vaccines and what is in them because you are cutting out the middle man. Just lick the snot off that little brats nose and get that shit over with.
5. If misery loves company then we might make the actual real life – Happiest Place on Earth. Through disease no-less. Wait, we would make misery happy? I’ve lost my own train of thought. Okay enough on this list.

Maybe it is a terrible idea but so is watching the kids go down one by one and standing idly by, waiting for your number to be called. I felt like vomiting for two weeks because I thought I would any minute. I silently scream into the darkness, Show Yourself You COWARD!

This all started with Prima puking Vienna sausages into her own lap. Somehow she puked them into her pants pockets. We know this because there were tiny little pieces of flesh colored meat all over the clothes in the washer. Handy tip: Don’t dry those clothes. Then you just have little pieces in the lint screen. Tiny lint screen jerky. Awesome.

Then Jane starts two days later. Then I feel awful. Then Supermom gets sick the next day. Then we have a pause. Everyone has a good day. We must be out of the woods. I go back to work. 2:00 pm I get a text. Don Threeto has puked. She acts like she hasn’t because she is hardcore but that bucket didn’t puke in itself. Lady Bug is the last man standing and how she has lasted this long I’ll never know.

She has sinus issues but so far nothing else. What’s confusing is that she breaks every rule in the book. She eats things she drops. She finishes everyone’s left over juice boxes or dinners. She is a master scavenger who waits and watches for a sister to abandon their food. She slinks over and crams the food down like chow time in the mess hall. Like she hasn’t eaten in years and might never see food again. I think she watches the dog too much.

Nearly two weeks later and I can’t help but think we would have benefited from mass exposure. We knew it was coming because their school was closed due to illness. Foolishly we thought we had escaped. We had only delayed. So for everyone who tries to prevent illness only to make sure it is slow and painful for everyone, this post is for you. You’re welcome.

-Underdaddy to the rescue.