Are you someone who feels like they lose the daily struggle?

Do you take one step forward and then two steps back and if so, are you somewhere other than a Country line dance bar?

Are you looking for cookware that does the opposite of working as advertised?

Today is your lucky day!

I want to take a second to tell you about the phenomenal failure of culinary hardware known as Orgreenic. I first saw this amazing feat of material engineering on an infomercial. They threw a piece of cheese into a hot pan and I’ll be damned if it didn’t sweep right off with no mess! Proof of alien visitation! No earthbound material could possibly do that!
I remained a skeptic. Probably costs thousands of dollars right? Then I see it in Wal-Mart.

Like. OMG.

So affordably priced miracle cookware made available by the purchasing power of Wal-Mart. Sounds legit. I’ll try out a pan an entire set. Let’s throw the other out for good measure. Okay all sounds reasonable to this point.
Then I unbox the magic pans.

I am amazed! This new technology works so good that it doesn’t even stick to the pan! One of the five is unusable. This is still an amazing deal. No non-stick spray. No butter before each pancake. I can cook like a Wildman!

Then I attempt to make dinner. Scrambled eggs because I am weird like that. Breakfast for dinner is actually a house favorite. We cook the bacon first and then scramble the eggs in the bacon grease for flavor. Plus it is a really good way to capture the fat and cholesterol that tries to get away.

Sometimes the first round of bacon will stick to a pan because the fat hasn’t had time to coat the surface. I put a dab of bacon grease in the pan and heat it up. Double insurance against sticking right? Wrong.

That bacon was stuck. I tore bacon trying to flip it over. Each new batch of bacon was the same story. The only miracle was that the pan could actually convince grease not to work in the general area of each piece of bacon. I thought, “Maybe I am a mutant who can change the properties of anti-stick cookware!” I could fight kitchen crimes by threatening to ruin all sorts of dishes. “Give me all your money or say goodbye to that omelet!” Let’s be honest, the best name would be Peter Pan and that is taken so I’ll leave it alone. Although I think he left Neverland to start Toys-R-Us so he probably doesn’t need it anymore. (I don’t want to grow up ‘cause I’m a Toys-R-Us kid….)

After the bacon was scraped free I proceeded with the scrambled eggs. The trick here was not to stir them at all. Just let the eggs cook into a lump and cut the decent part off the top. Try not to damage the pan while removing the eggs so that you don’t hurt the non-stick surface. Dear God don’t nick that priceless material.

Bacon and eggs are no go. Maybe if I use some butter or nonstick spray that will help. And don’t tell me about using some products hurt the surface, blah blah blah. If putting butter in the pan hurt the properties then it would only work through about fifteen seconds of cheese. Fat is fat.

No, this set of pots and pans has the singular ability to mangle anything you can throw its way. I imagine if you dropped an ice cube in that son-of-a-bitch it would be impossible to get it out and would probably leave a stain for two weeks. I’ve stopped soaking and cleaning it in hopes that it will begin to season like an iron skillet. Maybe the layers of failure will build until the dead carcasses of meals gone by are the saving grace for future meals.

I’d buy different ones but I can’t afford nicer ones and I am afraid that cheaper ones would burn things I don’t even try to cook. Like I would look up and this vagrant gutter-of-a-pan is strutting around in a sleeveless Tshirt and has set my breakfast cereal on fire and is drinking all my beer. I think the cookware that is cheaper than Orgreenic is aluminum foil.
I’d mail the pans back but they would get stuck in the mail I’m sure.

And they aren’t even a good size! I swear they found the perfect size pots and pans and reduced it ten percent just to piss people off. “Hey look here, we’ll make it too small and burn every fucking thing they try to cook. It will be hilarious!” They probably have video cameras “Steve come check this out he is going to try and put two pancakes in the pan. NO WAY! HAHAHAHAHA” Maybe I bought the Orgreenic Barbie cookset?

The trick is the ceramic coating. Take something non-porous and put anything with mater molecules on it and you have a sticking situation. Completely dry out this item and the water bonds are gone and no sticking. Works well if you want to burn everything in the pan to a stupid pile of doo-doo heads!

This demonware taunts me and causes intentional bad feelings. Sometimes I make spaghetti and while it sits in the pan waiting for me to get a second helping, the pasta residue in the water will dry on the sides and flake off completely. Falling into the spaghetti.

Why is this relevant to a daddyblog? Because some asshole at Orgreenic now needs to tell three very confused children why daddy was yelling at burned pancakes in the kitchen. Assure them that daddy isn’t crazy because he started taking random things out of the refrigerator to “Burn the shit out of them” in a small scale product quality control test. Same procedure, flames, water, ashes into the garbage can. Nothing escaped its sticky wrath. All scientific data has since been nullified because daddy flattened the G.D. pan with a G.D. sledgehammer in the driveway. You can’t have a successful experiment if it isn’t repeatable. I made sure that bastard would never hurt anyone again. I felt the anger of lower middle class consumers coursing through my veins, powering me on!

If they had brains at all they would be researching how to use this material to climb vertical glass walls or hold together broken steel chains. The bond between meat residue and pan is sacred and eternal.

If you have ever had an unreasonable product meltdown this one is for you. Go buy a set and have a completely valid meltdown over how awful these green suction cups with handles can be. And explain to your children the importance of feedback through angry blog posts. You’re welcome.

Underdaddy to the rescue.